Here’s a conundrum for you. Take a look at this Shell garage, which is situated on the A606 at Tollerton. Firstly, the aerial view.
You will notice that it has an entrance off the A606, and an exit round the back on to Tollerton Lane. Depending on which pump you’ve used, or where other people have laughingly done something they call “parking”, you drive through narrow gaps either side of the main building to reach the exit.
The A606 is a busy road, and especially so during rush hour, and that’s why there’s a dedicated entrance and exit. Anyone trying to turn out of the entrance either has to hope that three lanes (two southbound and one northbound) are clear, or that these lanes will stop and let them out. For people who are too stupid to realise that this isn’t likely to happen, and who would almost certainly try it if they could (sometimes, they still do), Shell has helpfully placed No Entry signs on the garage side of the entrance, like this:
And on the road side of the exit, like this:
Getting back on to the A606 is actually very simple. All you do is turn right at the exit, wait at the traffic lights at the junction, and that’s it. The obvious drawback (if you are a prat) is that you may have to add up to 60 seconds to your journey.
The garage forecourt is compact, so even driving in normally and finding a pump is something you have to do carefully. Pissing about trying to get your fuel flap pump-side if there is no convenient pump available is a no-no. Driving off from the pumps to the exit is also something requiring care, because if the car park area at the back is full (it only holds about four cars), people start to park wherever the hell they want – and if that means blocking one of the passages either side of the main building, then that’s precisely what they’ll do.
So here’s your starter question for ten: what do you do if you’re an Audi driver who has turned into Tollerton Lane, and who has then decided that he wants to go into the garage?
Correct. You drive in via the exit.
And here are your bonus questions:
- Once you’re in, where do you go next? That’s right: you drive briskly the wrong way past the buildings to get to the forecourt without any consideration for those driving the correct way to leave the garage.
- When you get there, do you park next to a pump facing the opposite way to everyone else, or do you block those trying to get in as you engage in what bears a passing resemblance to a turn in the road so that you can get your fuel flap pump-side? A bit of a trick question, as both answers are acceptable. Most Audi drivers aren’t aware that the fuel line is on a reel, and will reach across to the other side, and of the very few who are aware, they don’t want to risk the hose touching their paintwork.
- If you’re facing the wrong way once you’ve filled up, do you now attempt to turn around or do you use the entrance as an exit? Yes, another trick question, with both answers being correct. The typical Audi driver has the social conscience of a dog on a croquet lawn and attempting to turn right across three lanes of busy traffic using a forbidden exit is just as viable as blocking everyone while he turns his oversized pratmobile in a confined space.
I saw this happen last week, when a white Audi A8 caused my pupil to have to brake sharply as we turned into Tollerton Lane as he pondered his next move when confronted with the No Entry sign on Tollerton Lane.