Category - Funny

Normally, I avoid shopping in places like Morrisons and Asda during the day because of the queues. A drawback to this is the stock on the shelves – it’s common to find fresh stuff and bread sold out in Morrisons and even in Asda (which claims to be open 24 hours). By 9pm there will be plenty of empty shelves.

Unfortunately, both stores gradually close down their checkouts as the day progresses, so there are still queues to contend with, and when you’ve got a loaf of bread and a handful of other items it’s no fun being behind even one person with a full trolley (or items of clothing), let alone two or three of them at the only operating checkout.

The self-checkout is a relatively new feature of many large stores, and I try to use those whenever I can. But like most things in life, other people ruin the fun of them. I think I’m going to start a campaign for there to be a minimum IQ and minimum/maximum age range for those using them.

I was in Morrisons this afternoon. There were huge queues at all of the main checkouts, and seven people at the two self-checkouts (only one of which was in operation). I stood in the self-checkout queue and quickly realised nothing was happening. This is because Morrisons in Clifton has a special procedure for the self-checkouts, and a very special class of customer (most only have one helix in their DNA) using them. It works like this.

There is a member of staff whose duty it is to stand by the checkouts, because it is rare for any customer to be able to process their entire basket without setting off the amber or red warning light at least once. Therefore, the member of staff will be nowhere to be seen when there is a queue of people waiting, and will be doing something in those mysterious wooden drawers where the expensive stuff (and computer games) are locked up to prevent theft.

Certainly in Clifton, the average user of the self-checkout will have one or more bottles of spirits, and since these items are both security tagged and require authorisation the presence of the staff member is essential. Even though the member of staff can see clearly that every customer in the queue has spirits in their hands, this will not stop them from sauntering away and ignoring the immediate red light for several minutes. And they won’t – under any circumstances – hurry, or use commonsense in anticipating the red light being triggered. Furthermore, only the member of staff who is assigned to the machine can deal with any problems (as I discovered a few weeks ago). Oh, and another feature of the self-checkout is that anyone under the age of 30 waiting in line will continue to do their shopping while standing there – it’s funny how there is always something they desperately need within a 5 metre radius.

Morrisons’ self-checkout hardware and software appear to be early beta. The machines spend more time crashed than up and running. On top of that, about 20% of all stock requires authorisation. Having used Asda’s and Tesco’s machines I’m fully aware of the huge differences in reliability. For a start off, if you move your bag or any of the items in it (and the Morrisons machines have stupidly uneven collection areas), the equipment triggers an amber or red light which cannot be cleared except by a member of staff. Asda and Tesco machines are able to reset themselves (or let you continue scanning) as long as the item isn’t actually removed. Asda and Tesco also have a much stricter policy regarding staff attendance.

Back to my experience this afternoon. The female customer at the only working machine had obviously done something to it. There was no member of staff to be seen for at least two minutes, and when she finally arrived she had to attend to this customer for a further minute or so. After farting about for several more minutes, paying by credit card (of course) and farting about some more, this idiot customer left and was followed by two neanderthals. They triggered the red light immediately (or it came on in protest at who was in front of it, I don’t know for sure) and stood looking with open mouths across the hall for the idiot who should have been in attendance already. She arrived after a couple of minutes, sorted the problem, and the two neanderthals proceeded to pay (by credit card). They were followed by an old couple. By now, the red light and alarm bells in my head were going off, because there was no way in hell these two were going to be able to manage unaided, and I noticed they had unbagged fruit and veg in their basket, which would mean interacting with several screens on the machine, and we all know that old people and computers don’t mix. So I switched to a normal checkout.

I must stress again that this is Clifton. So once the woman with the enormous trolley’s stuff had been scanned by the checkout girl, and after the customer had packed all her carrier bags, only then did she fumble for her purse in order to pay… you guessed it: by credit card. Oh, and she also wanted cashback (another thing that should be banned – use the bloody ATM outside if you want money).

All this while I was watching the old couple. They didn’t manage to scan/weigh a single item as it was obvious they hadn’t got a clue how to use the machine. They had to wait for the idiot member of staff to come back yet again – and by the time I walked out the staff member was actually scanning items for them.

And they call it the “express checkout”.