Category - Funny

Pot, Kettle, Black. A Dickhead Speaks His Mind

12/10/2012
DOAADI
Funny, General

You’ve got to see this. Received today via the contact form:

To: Webmaster
From:
Your A Massive Dick
yourintrouble@gmail.com
Message:
dude. Keep this website sup and im gonna take your server down.

everything you post about is insanely stupid. You have no idea about fore sight and progress. you only seem to be bothered about how quickly you can get to you sad life meetings. the roadworks you moan about are necessary – and the fact you name and shame drivers like your some sort of god of the road is ridiculous. you are what’s wrong with Nottingham. Not road works, or water works. or anything that real works have to content with to make out city a better place.

I will take your website down if it’s up in a month. If you pay for hosting on a bandwidth basis you should seriously start to worry.

As I am an exert I will explain how this works. I will continually send requests to your server, not only blocking other peoples access but costing you alot of money sending me the webpage over and over again. I believe you are such an idiot you will not have any idea how to stop this.

People don’t like dicks. So I’m gonna take one out of action.

Sent from (ip address): 87.224.118.130 (87-224-118-130.spitfireuk.net)
Location: East Grinstead, GB
Date/Time: 12 October, 2012 12:42 pm
Coming from (referer): https://www.diaryofanadi.co.uk/?page_id=1444
Using (user agent): Mozilla/5.0 (Windows NT 6.1; WOW64) AppleWebKit/537.4 (KHTML, like Gecko) Chrome/22.0.1229.94 Safari/537.4

I’ve left all the spelling and grammar (or lack of, shall we say) exactly as it appeared. I stepped in something which can’t use apostrophes properly, and I appear to be having trouble scraping it off my shoe!

Suffice to say, I’ve forwarded the email to all the necessary authorities on the off chance that this specimen of dog turd’s “exertism” (his spelling, of course, not mine) is anyway even close to what he incoherently claims.

Oh, and my server host advises me that my bandwidth is unlimited so just to ignore it. They said they will pursue vigorously any illegal activity. I wonder if our “exert” spammer and scammer will understand this? Probably not.

Advice to anyone out there who receives anything like this in their inbox: take them head-on, and don’t worry. Their ability to spell and utilise even basic grammar is a reflection of the size of their brains. Filthy little scammers – with the distinct likelihood in this case that the prick involved is also a driving instructor who doesn’t like what I write (that’s quite shocking, really, isn’t it?).

So, if you’re in East Grinstead (or anywhere near) and you communicate with a driving instructor about taking lessons, keep an eye out for that ip address and hosting service. If you see a match, run a mile, because you’re dealing with a  criminal.

Funny Political Analysis

05/10/2012
DOAADI
Funny, General, News

I saw a comment recently where a right-on Thatcherite was questioning another person’s comment about how much of the current financial troubles were the fault of the Libcon coalition.

I have to laugh.

The current Mickey Mouse government has spent the last 2 years blaming the last Labour government for everything – even though the recession is a global phenomenon! What’s more frightening is that there are jackasses out there who believe it!

I suppose wasting £40 million of tax-payers’ money on the most corrupt franchise assessment of all time – the West Coast mainline deal – is also down to Labour. And I wonder who will have to pay for that through further “austerity measures”?

A Premium Guess?

24/09/2012
DOAADI
Funny, General

Zoltar SpeaksAnyone who has followed the blog for a while will know what I think about amateur weather forecasters. Last year, their long-range winter “forecast” was about as accurate as betting on black at a roulette table and it coming up red. It was billed as “the worst winter on record” – and they were absolutely and totally incorrect.

Imagine my surprise when I noticed someone find the blog on the search term “exacta weather charging for long range forecast”. It grabbed my interest, and a quick check revealed that it’s absolutely true! They are charging £11 for a three-page long-range report on the forthcoming winter.

It’s good to see these not-for-profit groups – especially ones who simply make wild guesses – staying true to their cause.

I find it hard to believe that anyone could be so stupid as to pay £11 for a stab in the dark. Mind you, people DO go to fortune tellers, so stupidity is clearly just as common as bad weather forecasts.

For anyone who is interested, the forecast for this winter is as follows:

It will be generally colder than the summer, and there will be periods of rain. Some places will see snow, and this could be quite heavy (or it might not be). My records, which go back over 50 years, suggest that winter will be followed by summer again.

Tougher Tests For Older Drivers Questioned?

26/08/2012
DOAADI
Bad Drivers, Funny, General, News

This article from an Australian newspaper is ridiculously misleading.

It starts off by saying that research at Plymouth University has shown that elderly drivers are no more likely to die in road accidents than 20-year olds. Without saying so outright, there is obviously an implication about older drivers being no worse than younger ones.

But the “study” also found that older people are five times more likely to die as pedestrians (being hit by cars). I’m not sure what this implies.

The leader of the “study” said:

You shouldn’t assume that your granddad should avoid getting behind the wheel because he won’t necessarily be safer walking down the street.

Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it? This “research” shows clearly that old people have lived longer than younger ones! Oooh. And that winter is coming.

Seriously, I haven’t got a clue what either the Australian source or the amateur nerds at Plymouth University are trying to say. All I know is that there is a worrying trend towards bad statistics these days. Too many A* GCSEs a few years ago, I think.

How Not To Be An Artist

25/08/2012
DOAADI
Funny, News, World

Jesus - BeforeThis story cracked me up when I read it yesterday. A church in Spain – The Sanctuary of Mercy Church – has a semi-famous painting of Christ (shown here on the left). It has recently become damaged by damp. It’s not valuable, but as it’s over 100 years old it has some value for the locals and the Christian World in general.

The church had apparently (from the story I read yesterday) recently got funding to have it professionally restored.

Jesus - AfterBut an old lady – in her 80s – got there before the restorers and fixed it herself (see image on the right). Church officials didn’t realise what she was doing until it was too late.

The old lady was obviously an early Gary Numan fan, and rumour has it that her next project will involve the Mona Lisa (see below).

The Mona Lisa Contract

Seriously (well, sort of), I’m sure the old lady in question had the best of intentions when she set to work – and you have to wonder at security (the story I read yesterday reported that there were guards at the church). But I would imagine that they don’t have a lot of problems with octogenarian graffiti artists under normal circumstances, so this one got in under the radar.

You have to remember that they take religion far more seriously in Spain, and that’s often even more true of the older people, so you can understand why she tried to do what she did.

The only thing you stumble over is the quality.

In fact, the original was very modern, whereas the amateur’s version looks mediaeval.

You Have To Laugh, Sometimes…

04/08/2012
DOAADI
Funny

Coyote on a rocketA few weeks ago I bought some Potassium Nitrate (also known as saltpetre) from Amazon. I needed it because I am going to try my hand at curing my own bacon and saltpetre is used as a preservative in this process.

To anyone who might not know, saltpetre is also one of the three ingredients in the traditional gunpowder recipe. I was surprised to be able to buy it, but happy that I could get hold of this food grade material.

Yesterday I got one of Amazon’s frequent “we thought you might like” emails. The contents of these are based on what you’ve purchased previously. So imagine my surprise when I saw that the suggestions included:

  • Potassium Nitrate 99.9% pure in 1kg bag
  • Himalayan Pink Salt

That Himalayan thing was a red herring. But when I clicked on the Potassium Nitrate link out of interest (my 500g pack cost more), I discovered that it wasn’t food grade – and then I saw at the bottom of the page the following related items:

  • Pure Sulphur Brimstone Powder Incense 500g High Grade
  • Commercial Grade Willow Charcoal Powder 400g
  • Firework Safety Fuse for Pyrotechnics – 4 meters
  • Magnesium Ribbon 99.9% 25g
  • Aluminium Powder 99.7% Purity
  • Potassium Chlorate High Purity/Top Grade Pyrotechnic
  • Pyro Rocket Tubes (various)

In fact, 10 pages of items specifically for making fireworks and… well, things that go BANG! And the joyful proclamation that the “following items are frequently bought together”.

I remember from my school days that very fine sulphur and Willow charcoal are key items for making fast-burning gunpowder (along with saltpetre). Other oxidising agents make it burn faster, and magnesium makes it burn brighter. Guess what the “frequently bought” collections included!

And probably the funniest thing is that the email starts with:

Are you looking for something in our Herbs, Spices & Seasonings store? If so, you might be interested in these items.

The Potassium Nitrate it links to is NOT identified as food grade, doesn’t actually fall  under any of the headings “herbs, spices, or seasonings” even if it was food grade, and is being sold by a garden store.

They’ll be selling weapons grade Plutonium in the toys section next.

Guy From Leeds

29/07/2012
DOAADI
Funny

Wrong Answer!Someone found the blog on precisely that search term: “guy from leeds”!

Maybe they should be teaching the principles of how to use search engines at school these days. Some people obviously need help.

In case the original searcher comes back, there are probably quite a few guys in Leeds, so you might need to refine your search a little.

Giant Rats: III & IV

14/07/2012
DOAADI
Funny, General, News

The articles Giant Rats and Giant Rats: II have been quite popular since I published them. Every now and then I get a run of people looking for them. People searching for “huge rats” or something similar is the usual way they end up here.

Giant Rat in County DurhamThis story from a couple of months ago now reveals another one found up in County Durham. And it should come as no surprise whatsoever that the grainy photo on the left is the only evidence of this astounding and dramatic find.

To any normal person – me, for example – finding and killing a “rat” (the most reviled animal on the planet) which was as tall as me and trying to steel my tractor, and which had just broken down the barn doors and ripped off the Crook-Lok with one paw, would lead to calling at least one of the local authorities and possibly a wildlife outfit immediately. Hell, I’d probably call the Army! And Nick Pope.

And if ever I DO kill a rat or find something dead in the garden that the cats have had, it goes in the wheelie bin (assuming it will fit, of course:giant rats tend to be, well… giant, and my cats are listed in The Book Of Revelation – nos. 664 and 665, I think). What I don’t do is drive out somewhere remote, bury it, and then tell everyone I forgot where I put it, but that it was bigger than a Land Rover.

Not so with any of the people in the places where these “rats” are found. unfortunately. Standard practice there appears to be to take ONE grainy picture on your mobile phone, bury the corpse in an undisclosed location, then start shooting your mouth off to the national media about how giant rats are making your life a misery, with their loud music and other antisocial tendencies.

Incidentally, what led me to find this new story and write this updated article was the fact that on BBC Breakfast (this is story IV) they were rattling on about the wet summer leading to an explosion in the rat population, with the suggestion that they are also “bigger” than normal. So we can look out for more on this topic in the coming months, I suspect.