Category - Funny

It’s Official: The Police Are Now Recruiting Morons

05/08/2015
DOAADI
Assholes, Funny, News

Maybe I’m missing something, and the title of this article is therefore wrong, but I saw this article on the BBC website just now. It would appear that Leicestershire Police have been “trialling” a scheme whereby they have not fully investigated burglaries involving properties with odd-numbered addresses.

Just think about that. Now that the burglars know, they can target all the odd-numbers – or in other words, they can burgle one side of the street with little fear of being caught (most burglars get away with it anyway, so this pretty much guarantees them a free hand as long as they stick to the odd-numbered houses).

Leicestershire Police think it’s a great idea:

…[they] said the pilot scheme had had no adverse effect on public satisfaction or crime rates.

Can you believe that Leicestershire Police could really be so absolutely and pathetically stupid as to come out with a comment like this?

Trust me: now that the public knows, “public satisfaction” will (and should) nosedive into the ground – particularly among those burglary victims living in odd-numbered houses. As for crime rates not increasing, well it just shows what a pathetically low solution rates they must be working to if they can afford to ignore half of the cases.

The Police seem to have lost the plot completely. The article adds:

Results of the three-month trial are being evaluated and could see it rolled out throughout the East Midlands.

So. If someone can please explain to me what it is I’m missing here I’d be most grateful. I mean, are they really telling burglars that they won’t properly investigate odd-numbered house raids?

A Stunning (Derelict) Contemporary Office Building

02/07/2015
DOAADI
Funny

I was in West Bridgford today and I noticed this For Sale/To Let sign on a building. At first glance, you don’t really give it a second thought, and especially if you just drive past it a lot. But you notice a lot more when you’re on foot.For Sale sign on a vacant building

Look closely, and the first thing you might notice is the wooden structure holding the sign to the wall. Those beams are very well weathered, suggesting the sign has been up for a while (and thinking about it, the sign has been there for some time).For Sale sign fixings - well-weathered

But it really hits home when you actually stop and look at this potential “stunning contemporary office building”.And this potential office buiulding is... an old public convenience

Let me just state clearly that the building in question is the one the sign is fixed to, and not the one you can see in the background (that one has already been let according to the sign in front of it).

No. Our “stunning opportunity” involves this windowless, rectangular, and almost monolithic structure, which in its previous life had a completely different function to that being offered here. The two boarded up doors are the giveaway, even without the “Ladies” and “Gents” signs. Better still is the fact that it is less than 20 metres away from Wino Central – the war memorial, where the local down and outs spend most of the day drinking 2L bottles of cheap cider.

It’s a sad fact (in some ways) that public conveniences are disappearing from our city streets. The only one I can think of which is in any way accessible if you’re driving is in Carlton, and whenever you go in it there’s always an old guy with a carrier bag who’s there before you, who keeps looking over his shoulder at you while you take a leak, and who is still in there after you’ve washed your hands and left. And there’s always somebody in one of the cubicles chain smoking (or there’s the rank smell of someone having done so in the recent past). On top of that, about three times a year some twat does something inside – like stuffing a mattress or lawn cuttings down one of the pans – which means they close it for weeks at a time until it gets fixed.

Actually, I avoid using public conveniences whenever I can. McDonalds toilets are the only ones I’ll use (because they clean them regularly and the seats are usually free from urine, which is not the case everywhere else), and on the rare occasions I need to use a cubicle I’ll use the disabled toilet because it has a sink and running water. Men’s rooms are universally disgusting – which reminds me of this Dilbert cartoon.Dilbert - Men's Room

If there isn’t a convenient McDonalds, give me a field on a quiet country road anytime.

Know Your Road Signs (Motorcyclists Only)

25/06/2015
DOAADI
ADI, Bad Drivers, Funny

When leaving a village or entering a village how do i know what speed to go on a motorbike?

Someone came to the blog via that exact search term! Is it any wonder the country is in such a mess as far as driver attitudes go?Village road

Diary of an ADI doesn’t even appear in the first 20 pages on Google for that term (that was where I gave up), so you have to admire the tenacity of whoever it was in their quest to find the answer.

In the UK, we have this little booklet, which is known as “The Highway Code”. Somewhere at the back are some pictures of things called “road signs”, and it is the usual custom to affix them to lampposts or other upright structures in order to inform road users of trivial details like imminent hazards and speed limits.

The little booklet is aimed at all road users.

To be honest, I was rather surprised that a motorcyclist should ask this, since most of them treat speed limits as advisory guidance, i.e. the speed to go at if there is a speed camera present.

So, to answer the question: as you enter the village there is most likely a round sign like the one shown above with “30” written on it.  The “30” translates to the number “thirty”, and it refers to the number of miles per hour you are not allowed to exceed. If you look at those dials on your handlebars you might notice that one of them also has a “30” on it (it’s right near the bottom, so you may not have noticed it before), and this is your “miles per hour” dial. The little pointy thing that moves when you accelerate or decelerate should be on or below that as you enter the village, and it should not go above at any point.

When you leave the village, the chances are that you will see another sign. This one is harder to understand because it doesn’t have anything written on it, but instead consists of a white circle with a black diagonal stripe. It means that the national speed limit (NSL) applies, and this is “60” (or sixty) miles per hour on single carriageway roads, and “70” (or seventy) miles per hour on dual carriageways. A “dual carriageway” is a big road with a solid barrier between your side and the side where traffic is going the opposite way. Look closely and you will notice the dial on your motorcycle also has a “70” on it. It’s a bit higher than the “30”, but still far enough down from the biggest number that you might have previously overlooked it.

If at any point you don’t know what the speed limit is – after all, it is difficult to spot these things when you are trying not to fall off on a corner – then you should assume it is “30” until you do.

Note also that some signs have “20” (twenty), “40” (forty), or “50” (fifty) on them. These numbers also appear on your motorcycle’s dial somewhere. The speed limit in a village isn’t automatically “30” every time (it could be higher or lower), nor does it necessarily go up to NSL (it could be lower) as you leave the village. This is why those little signs are so useful.

Tyne Police Foil Bovine Terror Plot

20/05/2015
DOAADI
Funny, News

Sometimes you couldn’t make it up. Three cows “escaped” from a country park in North Tyneside. Two were recaptured, but one – Bessie – was shot “in the interests of public safety” after apparently attempting to rob several local banks and then going on the run.A cow - like the one Northumbria police had to take down

John Millard, a photographer, witnessed the scene:

…there was a “massive police presence” with more than 15 police vehicles, a helicopter hovering overhead, and three or four officers in sniper gear.

Northumbria police were anxious to talk it up into the serious threat that it wasn’t, though:

…[the cow] was destroyed after becoming “increasingly distressed” and “causing dangerous and severe obstructions” on a major road.

I wonder why the cow was becoming “distressed”, Mr Police Spokesman? I mean, it couldn’t have had anything to do with dozens of people chasing it (i.e. at least two officers in each of the 15+ vehicles) and no doubt shouting and pretending to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a helicopter, could it?

The local residents are keeping the surrealness alive by organising a candle-lit vigil for the dead cow.

Giant Rats: V

22/04/2015
DOAADI
Funny, Nature

It’s been a while since any new rat stories cropped up, but the original article I wrote about giant rats remains popular. So this latest item on the BBC website made me smile.

It talks of a race of super-rats which once lived in the Caribbean…

…some of which grew to the size of cats.

I think they must have forgotten about the ones in Bradford, which were – according to the natives – the size of a Fiat 500. The Caribbean ones were mere mice by comparison.

Darwin Awards 2015

10/01/2015
DOAADI
Funny, News

Well, competition is hotting up already for the 2015 Darwin Awards. This story on the BBC skirts around the details, but The Independent apparently calls it like it is.Brighton Pier and bad weather

Two men are almost certainly dead after going swimming in the sea in Brighton. If that wasn’t bad enough, consider that they were in their 20s, had been drinking, and decided on this seemingly clever course of action at around 1am. And if you still think it sounds OK, consider also that there were force 9 gales – the sea tends to become a little unpredictable when it’s that windy.

At the end of the BBC version, a separate Brighton incident is reported where an 18-year old deliberately went into the sea at 9am. He got out again.

It’s hard to feel any sympathy whatsoever for any of these morons. Coastguard staff could (and still could) have died, just because of these juvenile prats and their undiagnosed learning disabilities.

An update to the story suggests that it was a “dare”. In some respects, that makes it an even more stupid act.

Woman Versus Petrol Cap

01/01/2015
DOAADI
Bad Drivers, Funny

This is not in the least funny, and the poor woman involved is not a last-minute contender for the 2014 Darwin Awards.

— The video has now been removed from YouTube —

She drives on to a garage forecourt and realises that the petrol cap is on the other side of her car from the pump. Note how she keeps checking to see that her flap is on the nearside each time she notices it hasn’t got any nearer to a pump. She drives around in a circle until – on her fourth attempt – she suddenly realises that the nearside and offside of the car remain on their respective sides no matter which way you’re facing. She finally realises that she’s got to actually turn around in order for the nearside of her car to be next to a pump.

What makes it even worse – and none of the media sources who have covered the story seem to have picked up on it – is that the nozzles at that petrol station are on rollers, and they would reach around the other side anyway, no matter which way you’re facing. This is one of my pet hates: sitting in a queue at the garage while several unused pumps remain blocked by old people and… ahem… non-male drivers as they wait to get to their “favourite” one.

Back to the video. You also have to wonder how many times she’s filled the car up before. And she still doesn’t get it.

According to the CCTV stamp, this only happened a couple of days ago.