Category - Funny

Angel of Death Approaches

28/04/2011
DOAADI
ADI, Funny, General

Just like one of the warnings visited on the Egyptians at the time of Moses, according to the Express we are due a visit from the Angel of Death!

Basically, some pollen is possibly going to blow over the UK from Europe.

According to the Express – and all the numpties who have picked up the story and are busy repeating it:

  • the cloud is bigger than the Pacific Ocean
  • it consists entirely of Birch pollen
  • it is intelligent, and will catch the ferry if the winds change, because it definitely wants to get to the UK
  • Europe consists entirely of Birch trees
  • Birch pollen can strip the flesh off a whole elephant in less than 20 minutes
  • Hay fever is only caused by Birch pollen
  • we don’t have any Birch trees in the UK
  • Birch trees are an EU menace
  • Birch trees in all other countries produce pollen that is 10,000 times more acidic than that of Birch trees that would grow in the UK – if we had any
  • the morning after the visitation, all cars will be stripped to bare metal
  • the first born male child in every household is at risk

The truth of the matter is that due to the dry weather and prevailing winds, pollen levels will be high over the next few days. And Birch pollen is more abrasive than it is acidic.That’s all. But it is boring when you put it like that..

I mean, let’s face facts here. Last year, half of Iceland fell on us after that Eyjafjallajökull (I love than name – no one can pronounce it) volcano erupted, and that ash was lots more abrasive than Birch pollen. Every year, a whole truck load of the Sahara gets dumped on us, and we know how abrasive sand is. Heaven knows what else comes over on the wind that isn’t newsworthy. All you get is a load of crap on the car first thing in the morning, and that’s hardly Biblical, is it?

Oh, yeah. And can anyone remember the last time something like this happened that meant the paint spontaneously fell off every car in the UK?

IQ Test Required To Get A Driving Licence?

01/03/2011
DOAADI
ADI, Driving Tests, Funny, World

I think this might be a little tongue-in-cheek judging from some of the stories on there [link removed, as now dead], but wouldn’t it be good if it were true and spread over to the UK?

In an effort to make driving less of a headache, the State of Colorado passed a law requiring an IQ exam as part of the driving test.

In order to obtain a drivers license in the State of Colorado, and IQ of at least 120 is required.

“We find that many traffic incidents and traffic jams are caused by sheer stupidity,” said El Paso County Sherriff Terry Maketa.

Lawmakers decided that if there were fewer stupid people on the road, there would be fewer stupidity-related incidents.

“I just want to be able to go skiing without hitting traffic caused by idiots who don’t know how to drive,” commented Representative Doug Lamborn.

It made me smile.

What IQ is required to get a driving licence?

Someone found the blog on that term (the spelling suggests it was an American query). Unfortunately, anything down to 0 (zero) is sufficient from what I’ve seen in the UK.

In America, I think negative numbers are allowed. And in some states, as long as you carry a spare pack of Pampers (diapers) in the boot (trunk) age isn’t a restriction, either.

Having A Laugh (And Coaching) Again

03/02/2011
DOAADI
ADI, Funny

On a lesson with a pupil last night, his speed was far too high coming into some junctions. It resulted in him messing up the gears a few times, coasting, going too wide, and anything else that this particular fault (well, planning for the junction – the speed is just a symptom) brings with it.

We dealt with it appropriately during the lesson, although I wouldn’t necessarily say we had sorted it by the end of the lesson. So when we did the debrief at the end I wanted to talk about it some more.

Now, you’ve got to realise that this pupil has spiky black hair and dresses in way that once made me suggest that he was into EMO music. I won’t go into the effect this had on him at the time, but let’s just say that it turns out he isn’t, and that you should never judge people solely on appearance. And be ready for their reaction if you do, and get it wrong!

However, I never miss an opportunity to wind him up over the episode.

In the debrief, the conversation went like this (and this is a real one again, although not a precise transcript):

Me: How did you think the lesson went?

He: I wasn’t happy with it at all. I drove crap.

Me: Well, it wasn’t all bad – you haven’t driven for a while but you did all of the manoeuvres at the start OK, and most of your driving was fine. What were the bad parts you were thinking of?

He: Well, I stalled it once, and I kept missing the gears.

Me: I’m not too worried about the stalling. Why do you think you messed up the gears?

He: Well, I’ve not driven for a while.

Me: Mmmm. Maybe, but I don’t think that has much to do with it. What did we stop to talk about several times in that lesson?

He: My speed.

Me: And what about your speed?

He: It was too fast.

Me: Yes, but that wasn’t the only problem though, was it? What about going wide on those junctions? Why did that happen?

He: I was going too fast.

Me: No, come on. We’ve talked about this before. Coming into a turn you have to check your mirrors and signal, slow down, change gear as necessary, make sure it’s safe, then go if it’s clear. You know all that. What’s going to happen if you come in too fast?

He: I won’t have time to do it all.

Me: Exactly! So when you got into a mess with the gears it was because you were rushing to do it in time for the corner, and when you went wide it was because you were messing with the gears and trying to steer, and when you had to slam the brakes on it was because you panicked because you knew you were going too fast – especially when you’d got the clutch down and it was speeding up even more because you were coasting [edited: we also looked at the effects that this might have on other road users]. Can you see where all this is heading?

He: Yes, I need to think about doing it further up the road so I’m not running out of time.

Me: That’s right, and let’s not forget you weren’t getting it wrong all the time – just some of the time. Your concentration just seemed to go.

He: Well, I don’t like driving in the dark, and I haven’t driven for a long time.

Me: I don’t think that’s the reason [switching to wind-up mode]. After all, we’ve talked about your speed in these situations before – and that was during the day, and when you’d had lessons the week before. You were driving like a chav…

He: Hey, thanks [reciprocating]. I’m not a chav…

Me: …so as well as being an EMO, you’re also a chav now?

He: So… a ch-emo? [pronounced chee-mo]

In the end, we agreed on that new word ‘ch-emo’.

Test Fail

20/11/2010
DOAADI
ADI, Funny

I had a pupil fail her test this morning – it wasn’t pretty: 2 serious and 16 driver faults (that is definitely the most I’ve ever had). She missed mirror checks around 10 times! She also told me she knew she’d failed because she felt the car labouring a bit up a hill, tried to change it to 2nd, got 4th, and stalled. Aaargh!

But the funny part was what she told me in the pre-test lesson. I’d suggested that she go out in her own car to practice driving in Nottingham City Centre following her last full lesson on Wednesday. This was because she’d said she was nervous about that area.

Today’s conversation went like this:

Me: Did you go out in your own car after our last lesson?

She: Yes, we went to Loughborough.

Me: Loughborough? That’s useful. You said you were worried about Nottingham City Centre.

She: Well, my mum doesn’t know how to drive in Nottingham City Centre. We’d get lost.

Me: [head in hands] How can you get lost when you’re inside something? All you have to do is find a road you recognise and you’re not lost any more. The thing is you said you were worried about the City Centre.

She: Well, we did Loughborough City Centre.

Me: No you didn’t! You drove down to Loughborough Uni and back on the A60, didn’t you?

She: [grins] Well, yes.

Me: You didn’t go anywhere near the Centre, did you?

She: [grins] No.

It’s more or less a straight drive down to Lougborough Uni, round a roundabout, and straight back – along a quiet road at that time of night. And Loughborough is not a “city” by any stretch of the imagination, nor is it anywhere near where the test is likely to be conducted (though that is not particularly relevant). Nottingham City Centre, on the other hand, is a tricky one-way system with lanes branching off left, right, and centre – and very busy most of the time. And it is on the test routes.

By her own admission, she was nervous and stalled going up a hill when she “dropped” it from 3rd to 4th instead of 2nd. After that, she said she knew she’d failed and went to pieces.

She’s actually a good driver. I could have killed her, but nerves can really screw some people up.

This Cracked Me Up Today

30/10/2010
DOAADI
Funny

I was on a lesson with a pupil and we were driving through Netherfield in Nottingham. We got held up for a short time because the level crossing barriers were down, and I noticed this white van in front of us.

Pogo The ClownIt was covered in artwork which declared that it was the transporation of Pogo The Clown – some guy who does peripatetic clown work for children’s parties.

What made me laugh was the motif on the bottom left side of the rear doors. It said:

NO BALLOONS LEFT IN THIS VAN OVERNIGHT

I don’t mind giving him a plug, because it looks like he does a lot of worthwhile stuff with kids.

Mind you, I’m a bit confused about what some of his corporate clients would want with a mobile clown unit – but having said that, I used to work for one of them, so maybe I’m not that surprised. I guess he could fill in for a lot of the management when they are away at off-site meetings and things.

You Gotta Laugh

08/10/2010
DOAADI
ADI, Funny

I’ve seen this posted in a few places – it’s a spoof of a driving test centre dealing with independent driving (and it involves Adolf Hitler, so don’t view it if you’re easily offended):


It’s funny – but it is in no way representative of any significant number of problems with the implementation if independent driving. It’s more like wishful thinking.

Someone has written to me pointing out that the sound is all wrong. I realise that – it was just an artefact of recording it (it wasn’t created by me). Obviously, if anyone speaks German then the actual dialogue bears no resemblance to the subtitles.

Giant Rats: II

20/08/2010
DOAADI
Funny

EDIT: As well as the Bradford Rat , one has turned up in County Durham as of April 2012.

Giant Rat In Lincoln

The Sun can never leave a new story alone. Only a day after the Giant Rat from Bradford, we now have one in Lincoln .

In order to keep the story alive, The Sun skirts neatly around the issue over whether or not it is a giant NATIVE rat or some foreign or escaped species. It carefully includes a link to another – and totally unrelated – story which would allow lesser minds to conclude that the EU is trying to cause Britain to be overrun with these “Giant Rats”.

Let’s face it: unless this is actually a huge native rat, it is virtually a non-story. So The Sun has to keep it on the boil.

Not to be outdone, the Daily Mail is now on the case with its own take on the Lincoln animal. Its headline trumpets: “‘Beast of Bradford’ giant rats found in Lincoln factory… How many monsters are out there?” They’ll be calling in Nick Pope next.

Both newspapers are falling over themselves to interview “shocked, horrified, and terrified” locals – typically old ladies and single mothers of six. Oh, and the bloke who suggests that they might attack a child! They’re even digging up comedians from as far afield as Essex to claim they’ve seen them down there.

Giant Cat Attacks Coastal Village

It makes you wonder what they’ll report next.

The best piece of information comes from some guy in Leeds:

…Leeds businessman Steve Luya, 55, who lived in Nigeria for years, insisted our picture showed an African Greater Cane Rat that had escaped after being imported.

I’m still confused, though. You see, if I ever saw a rat the size of a small car I’d kick up quite a stink. That’s because it isn’t normal. So I cannot understand why it’s taken until now for these people to reveal that they see them almost daily.

Giant Rats

19/08/2010
DOAADI
Funny

EDIT: There are updates to this story in Giant Rats: II and Giant Rats: III & IV.

Sky News - Giant RatThis story has had a lot of radio coverage today. It’s also been covered by Sky.

Apparently, someone in Bradford (I guess it just had to be up Yorkshire way – remember the Beast of Buckshaw from that Lancashire village ) shot a giant rat. According to the story, it was 2½ feet (that’s ¾ metre) long – and judging by the picture, that doesn’t include the tail!

The Sun really does love to confuse things, though. Well, to scaremonger.

Experts have suggested that it could be a Coypu – a South American rodent (not “rat”), but which is sometimes called a “giant rat”, or perhaps some other non-native animal which has escaped captivity. The Sun has latched on to the “giant rat” label, and already has “super rats from South America” as a variant. Don’t their researchers ever look things up properly?

And the locals were quick to leap on the bandwagon.

The residents of Ravenscliffe estate in Bradford, West Yorks, are used to seeing massive rodents that sometimes appear in their kitchens and lounges…

…Brandon toted an air rifle as he went “ratting” with pals on the edge of the estate – which they had heard was rife with rodents…

…”I’ve seen thousands of rats during the course of my work and go shooting a couple of times a week. But I’ve never seen any as big as this. The one I shot was absolutely terrifying. I was shaking. Goodness knows where the others went. I’m glad I don’t live there.”

After taking the photo, the ratters dumped the shot rodent in undergrowth. It is thought it was eaten by a fox.

The estate has long had a monster rat problem. Rebecca told how her cat Marie cornered one in her lounge. But it stood and fought as it was just as big as the moggy…

Neighbour Julie Briggs, 28, told how she and partner Andrew Denton, 24, hear rats fighting and squealing in the walls of their rented semi, which stands opposite open countryside.

Mum-of-six Julie said: “I find droppings on the cooker when they get into the house. I’ve seen them in the lounge as we watch TV.

It’s strange that having found something so extraordinary (i.e. a rat the size of a small car) that they needed to photograph it, the “ratters” then dumped the corpse in the undergrowth. Strange. Or convenient.

And I hope Brandon and his mates are Authorised Persons. Even shooting vermin requires that the person doing the shooting must be so.