Category - Funny

Apple iPad

28/01/2010
DOAADI
Computers & Tech, Funny

An OLD article! From 2010.

Let me make it clear right from the start: I am a Windows fan, and Bill Gates is one of my heroes. I would never use anything other than Windows (and there are a lot of sound technical reasons for that). I deliberately avoid buying Apple products: my MP3 player is a Creative Zen, and my smartphone is an HTC Touch HD running Windows Mobile.

However, whenever Apple releases a new product I have to admit that on the surface it looks highly desirable. I think this is how the iPhone took off – it costs a bloody fortune and has (or had) several technical limitations when it was released (i.e. ringtone customisation/cannot use mp3 files for ringtones, no video recording, limited Flash support when browsing, etc.)… but it still took off because it looks great and was hyped on that strength.

The same is true of the MacBook Air. It looks gorgeous, and if its performance were in any way related to its looks it would currently be running for office, and be a dead cert for next US President. But it has upgrade limitations, restricted connectivity, bloody expensive with a tiny hard drive, and you can’t replace the battery.

And as far as the iPod goes, Apple’s bad record with non-user replaceable batteries and DRM-protected (originally, anyway) files is well known. But it looks great.

The keyword in all that is ‘looks’. Apple has appearance down to a fine art.

Yesterday, the iPad was announced. It is a tablet computer and… yes, it looks absolutely beautiful!
Steve Jobs And The iPad
But based on previous Apple performance issues, does it really achieve anything new?

This story in the Daily Mail highlights some of the drawbacks which are actually rather serious:

  • It cannot run more than one application at a time – so you can’t fire up a wordprocessor, then switch to a browser. One has to be shut down and the other started, and vice versa
  • It has no camera (of any kind)
  • It can’t handle Flash – so browsing is extremely limited
  • It uses a touchscreen keyboard – but Apple will sell a proper keyboard for $70!
  • It has no card slots or USB ports – but surprise, surprise! It has an iPod port. So you can pay out more money for an adapter if you want to connect non-Apple peripherals to it via the iPod port
  • iPad owners will only be able to download apps from the Apple Store – yet it is being touted as “the most innovative product in the world of netbooks”
  • The display is not HD-ready and the 4:3 format means widescreen will have a bar at the top and bottom
  • It will cost $499 (or £308) in the US – but no British price has been announced. I’ll lay odds it will be around £500 or even more over here.

Critics are labelling it as an oversized iPhone, and the web is already awash with virals poking fun at its limitations.

I’ve included a couple of YouTube movies below – I warn you, they’re parodies involving Hitler’s Response to the iPad, so don’t watch them if that is likely to offend you. Oh, and there’s a lot of bad language.

 

But I agree that the iPad is likely to be successful – even though it probably shouldn’t be.

Mystery Beast Of Buckshaw

20/01/2010
DOAADI
Funny

Whilst browsing I noticed this story in the Daily Mail. True to form, the Mail describes the ‘beast’ as:

…savaging animals and terrorising villagers… It has been variously described as a wild boar, a hyena and a ferocious wolf… They say it’s to blame for the recent deer slayings…

The Beast Of Buckshaw

Make your own mind up from this grainy picture:

To be honest, it looks like an overweight labrador. And have you ever wondered why (if I may borrow from Futurama for a moment) these things always typically dwell just behind rocks or in distant long grass but are also sometimes playful, bounding into thick fogs and out-of-focus areas? Just like Bigfoot.

Can’t someone with a decent camera (and who doesn’t have the balance of a 90 year old) take a good picture just for once?

Anyway, I wonder if Nick Pope is on the case yet?

One villager (or should it be ‘village idiot’?) is convinced it is a hyena. This is because he came down one morning after the beast had rifled his bins and…

‘All the rubbish was strewn over my garden. This happened on a few occasions and one night I heard snuffles and looked out of my window and saw some kind of hyena standing rigid on its back legs.’

Wow. Round this way it is only foxes that do this. I never considered it might be Hyenas that live under next door’s shed!

Bigfoot

He then then continues to refer to it as a wolf – being relatively unconcerned by the fact that in every other country in the world wolves avoid humans by at least a zillion miles, and oblivious to the minor detail that wolves and hyenas are actually different animals. But this is a Lancashire village we’re dealing with (and he’s probably also a Manchester Utd supporter).

EDIT 20/1/2010: This is proving popular. Within 10 minutes of posting it I’m getting loads of hits – many of which are from places like Manchester, Blackburn, and Batley! Village Idiot country!

EDIT 21/1/2010: I noticed in the comments on the Daily Mail version of the story someone called Daniel Cook, from Ringmer, has written some very wise advice. This man is obviously an expert, and the Buckshaw authorities ought to call him in (along with Nick Pope, of course) as soon as possible to end the bloodshed and loss of life in the village:

It looks like a hyena if it is then it MUST be stopped before it attacks a person

Oh, won’t someone PLEEEEASE think of the children? I add this quote because whoever is out there looking to recapture Mr Cook needs to know he is down in East Sussex.

Ice Skating Fiesta In Paignton

31/12/2009
DOAADI
ADI, Funny, General

Another story from The Sun, to do with the weather again. There is also a fuller write-up in The Telegraph:

Look how slick the road is with ice, and the locals had warned the driver not to try and move the car. People could hardly keep their footing on the pavements. This is why… a video taken in Paignton, Devon.

Again, it reminds me of those dickheads who advocate going out in really bad weather to teach pupils, no matter what. At some point conditions become such that skidding avoidance is impossible (unless you just stay indoors).

Mind you, once again the decision to hold back on any road treatment by the local authorities has to be questioned (by the time this happened, the temperature had been at or below freezing for over a week).

Incidentally, don’t forget to have a look at the Ice-dancing Seat On A Hill video I have posted.

And don’t forget the Worst Parking Ever (Cars Remix) video, also on this site.

Worst Parking Ever?

31/12/2009
DOAADI
ADI, Funny

I saw this story in The Sun (online) today – the YouTube video is actually titled ” Worst Woman Driver I Have Ever Seen “:

She takes 4½ minutes to park – on yellow lines and in a taxi rank – in a space which is easily big enough to drive forwards into in a single smooth movement. She then reverses backwards and forwards without actually getting any closer to the kerb – in fact, she gets further away and causes an obstruction on the main road. Even when she does get the back wheels closer to the kerb, she’s too stupid to turn the steering wheel and bring the front in. She finally gets it almost (but not quite) straight.

This apparently took place in Coventry and was filmed by student Ian Kane from his student digs overlooking the road.

According to the article, the clip is being used by driving instructors as a lesson in how NOT to park. The woman has never been identified. Well, that would be like looking for a needle in a haystack 😀

Sometimes, Advertising Ploys Really Work!

23/12/2009
DOAADI
Funny, General

I was playing with my new in-car camera last week and came across something you don’t really see very often when you are driving along.

moobarb Cow On A Trailer

moobarb Cow On A Trailer

I had to do a double-take when I saw it… but I also had to look it up when I got home to see what moobarb was all about (the van gave no clue, as far as I could see).

I thought it might be an organic dairy, or possibly some refreshing new yoghurt drink… something like that anyway.

It’s actually pretty boring (to me, at least): they are a furniture supplier.

However, it goes to show how effective some forms of advertising can be. This particular one might be lost on some people: I am definitely not one to be taken in by hype and most advertising leaves me cold, but seeing this really got me wondering what it was all about.

Maybe driving instructors could learn a thing or two here. Driving school advertising tends to be either very Victorian (plenty of flowery language because you are old and speak like that anyway) or very Antipodean (state the obvious – and only the obvious – because your audience is stupid). In other words: basic.

Salt In Food

05/10/2009
DOAADI
Food, Funny, General

The Daily Mail is off on one, again. It’s about salt in top brand foods this time.

Supermarkets’ ‘own-label’ foods contain less salt than the leading brands, the food watchdog reveals today.

Now, ‘leading brands’ are called that because they sell more than other (non-leading) brands. Hasn’t it occurred to anyone that ‘leading brands’ hold that position because in spite of costing more, they actually taste better?

Kingsmill White tastes better than Tesco Wholemeal (although comparing white bread and wholemeal is a bit pointless).

Kelloggs Cornflakes taste better than Tesco’s own brand.

Kelloggs Rice Krispies taste better than Sainsbury’s own-brand version of puffed rice cereal.

Heinz Tomato Ketchup tastes better than Asda’s Smart Price version.

Why? Because they all contain more salt. And salt makes food taste good. It’s also why so-called ‘junk food’ also tastes good – or it used to, until they started taking salt out. As an aside, Heinz Baked Beans taste better than any other baked beans on the planet, yet even Heinz has screwed up by removing most of the salt. I just put it back in when I cook them.

Furthermore, the Food Standards Agency recommends bread should contain a target level of 1.1g of salt. Kingsmill bread only contains 0.08g more, but Tesco’s offering contains 0.4g less. Does it actually need to contain this much less?

This is the problem: people have got it into their heads that salt should be eliminated completely – or as near to completely as possible – from our food. The only reason bread still has it in is that it won’t rise properly if they take it out altogether. It would also taste totally crap, but that doesn’t bother them.

The human body needs salt – a totally salt-free diet would be unhealthy. But worse than that, a totally salt free diet would lead to the blandest food imaginable. And that reminds me of that Goodness Gracious Me sketch and ‘going for an English’:

Around here, takeaway Chinese meals often taste rubbish because the salt is gone (egg-fried rice made with rice cooked without salt is awful). I even had a pizza last week and I didn’t know they made salt-free tomato paste and pepperoni until now. Thank God most Indian takeaways haven’t succumbed yet.

Swine Flu Media Frenzy Continues

17/07/2009
DOAADI
Funny, General

I noticed in The Sun today the front page headline:

Shock Leap In Victims… Swine Flu Kills 12 in 4 Days

Just for comparison, each year there are 3-4,000 deaths associated with flu in the UK – that works out at 11 every day over the whole year! And if you allow for the fact flu season is only about 4 months long – December to March is the peak time – then daily deaths could be as high as 33! In a typical year up to about 8 million people in the UK could catch flu. This is normal flu, you understand.

Yet The Sun is trying to stir up Swine Flu panic over 12 deaths in 4 days. You get more people killed in car accidents than that!

Then you have to consider how many cases there are: in the UK, 7,447 cases and 7 deaths (as at 6 July, 2009) – or less than 0.1% death rate – and most of those had other health complications.

If we use The Sun’s figures of 85,000 cases and 29 deaths then the death rate is 0.03% – it’s actually gone down, and yet they’re still talking it up!

(Note that I make no claims for good statistics with those simple numbers – but they’re a damn site better statistics than The Sun is using to try and create panic).

Swine Flu is no more deadly than normal flu (and I’d love to see an animation for an annual outbreak of normal flu like the one they’ve done for Swine Flu on the BBC site). The current epidemic (I use that word in a very general sense for brevity) is just an outbreak of flu. If anything, it looks like more people will have had it by the time it dies down, but that’s all.

It won’t wipe out the Human Race – but don’t forget to take your Oinksip just in case…

Oinksip - For Swine Flu

Oinksip - For Swine Flu

The Perfect Job!

02/06/2009
DOAADI
Funny, News

Someone sent me this story in an email today:

TRUE STORY:

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.

There also used to be a very pleasant parking attendant at the Bristol Zoo with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.

This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years, then one day just didn’t turn up for work…

“Ho hum”, said Bristol Zoo Management, “better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant.”

“Err no”, said the Council, “that car park is your responsibility…”

“Err no”, said Bristol Zoo Management, “the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn’t he…?”

“Err NO!”

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car park fees amounting to an estimated £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years.

YES, I’ve done the sums = £3,650,000

Like most of these things, I’m not convinced it is true – but can you imagine getting away with something like this if it was?

Cutest Picture Ever?

31/05/2009
DOAADI
Funny, General

Baby Pygmy MarmosetI just had to post this!

If you use WordPress you get a Random Hot Post link every time you refresh your admin page. I have a look if the title attracts me, and this one did.

It’s a baby Pygmy Marmoset. Is it cute or what?

You can read more at the original site: Science News at WordPress.com. I’ve added the site to my blogroll as I couldn’t contact the author to ask permission to use this photo – I hope he doesn’t mind.