Someone found the blog with this search term:
what is uses of clunch and. beaker
Answers on a postcard, please.
Category - Funny
I saw this story on the BBC website. Everything about it is pathetic, but… well, wait and see.
It starts off with the title. This is the kind of classy headline you’d get in The Sun, not the BBC: Rat in Trowbridge pub ‘ran up man’s leg and stole chip’. Of course, just in case this doesn’t paint the picture clearly enough, the Beeb has provided a helpful picture, depicting:
- a pub
- a rat
- some chips
Reece Coombs, the hapless victim in all this, claims the rat was “sewer sized” – so large, in fact, that when it made the alleged contact, poor Mr Coombs reckoned it felt like he’d been “kicked”. He doesn’t mention anything about being left unconscious or requiring emergency surgery or anything, so we must assume that the rat confined itself just to delivering a good kicking.
Wetherspoon, the pub’s operators, evacuated the place immediately and called in pest control. They refunded Mr Coombs (and all the other guests, I would imagine). Naturally, they apologised explaining that fly-tipping in an alley next to the pub may have been responsible. Certainly, I do not live under the impression that Wetherpoon either encourages or subsequently ignores rats on its premises. But this isn’t enough for Reece Coombs. Oh dear me no. He hasn’t had his full 15 minutes of fame yet (evidenced by the standard selfie-style photo of him in the article), and is apparently “still not happy”. He plans to take the matter further.
I wonder where else there is to go with it. The European Court of Human Rights? Amnesty International? Rentokil?
If it was me, it would be over and done with by now. I wouldn’t be craving attention over it, and I probably just wouldn’t go back to the pub involved for a while. I mean, there are other pubs.
Please note that all my “Darwin Awards” posts are my own take on situations and have no connection with any real award. I just like the term, as it describes people who are idiots very appropriately.
A new candidate for the 2015 Darwin Awards. An as yet unnamed 20-year old was arrested at the Barnet Test Centre whilst trying to take the test on behalf of a friend.
The deception was successful until you take into account the fact that he was caught. And that he had no insurance. And that he was “over the prescribed limit” suggesting he was drunk. And that he tested positive for drug-driving (that may have been the positive test they refer to). And that he was in possession of a prohibited lock knife.
His friend is also now a nominee for the 2015 Darwins. I mean, how could anyone be so stupid?
I was doing a bit of online research for some recipes for a slow cooker I just purchased. One recipe called for coconut milk, and I noticed one of the comments underneath:
I forgot coconut milk, will it still work with passata?? HELP PLS
This is what coconut milk looks like compared to passata. In case anyone is wondering, coconut milk is the one on the left.
Furthermore, coconut milk tends to come from something called a “coconut”, like this.
Passata, on the other hand, is commonly made from things called “tomatoes”, which look like this.
This gives rise to a distinct difference in the colour region when you compare coconut milk alongside passata. There are also a few notable differences between the plants which produce them. 
Coconuts grow somewhere between 15 and 30 metres in the air at the top of palm trees in various tropical and subtropical locations around the world (if you’re still stuck, coconut palms are the ones on the left). Each coconut – once it is removed from its tough outer casing – is hard and woody, and weighs nearly 1.5kg, and each palm can produce fruit for 70 years or more. On the other hand, tomatoes grow pretty much anywhere you want them on bushes usually no more than about 1-2 metres off the ground. A tomato plant can live for a few years, though they’re mostly treated as annuals and new ones planted each year. A typical tomato is soft and squishy and weighs in at around 100 grams. Every 100 grams of coconut contains about 6g of sugar and over 30 grams of fat, compared with about 2.5 grams of sugar and virtually no fat in the same amount of tomato. There are a lot of other nutritional differences.
I wonder if the person who asked that question ever tried the recipe using passata instead of coconut milk?
One of the most popular series of posts on the blog has been the kneeling chair project I did about 5 years ago. That chair is still going strong.
My blog stats often give me a laugh when I look at what people have typed to get here. In some cases their arrival is clearly as accidental as their typing. But I am trying to work out if the term “diy kneeling santa” is a spelling issue, or if it’s something I ought to know about.
It turns out that “kneeling santa” IS a very real thing, though a very confusing one. Christianity has enough credibility problems without trying to bring Santa into the equation. But you can actually buy plastic ornaments which depict Santa Claus kneeling before the infant Jesus, and a Google search throws up the most consistent set of images I have ever seen.
Now, why anyone would want to build one I wouldn’t like to guess…
Make a note: Richard Yates and Dean March. This is what they look like:
What they did – and it is hard to imagine that anyone could be so thick – is cause almost £600,000 of damage to the East Coast Mainline, affecting 129 trains and resulting in the equivalent of two solid days of delays.
Why did they do it? To steal metal cable with a scrap value of £43. Yes, that’s forty three pounds – no missing decimals or anything.
The funny thing is that when they were together, they probably imagined that they’d committed the perfect crime, and £43 was quite possibly the most money either of them had ever seen. Neither of them looks like they could hold down any form of honest job. I mean, even a McDonalds burger flipper would get more than £43 for a single day’s work – without the added risk of a jail term. These two twats got jailed for between 2 and 3 years each.
One of them looks like he couldn’t breed if he tried. Both of them look like they shouldn’t try. For the sake of society, guys, take the Darwin Awards nomination and stay celibate.
This made me laugh when I saw it tonight. It’s the latest Amazon Prime advert.
Mind you, I have Amazon Prime and I’m now worried that it is for nerds like the guy in the ad. I need a major rethink!
Take a look at this half-witted thug. His name is Darnell Miller, of Stockhill Circus in Basford.
He’s now the current front-runner for the 2015 Darwin Awards as a result of his less-than-perfect criminal master plan.
So how did it work? Well, he appears to have been just smart enough to be able to open up the Gumtree website in his browser. Once there, he saw the pretty pictures of mobile phones people were selling and agreed to meet them with the idea of purchasing the phones. Once he had his hands on the merchandise – and this is the clever part (to him, anyway) – he ran away like the snivelling coward he was.
His intelligence ran out at that point. You see, every one of his victims was able to give an absolutely perfect description of him. Furthermore, the master plan had the obvious flaw in it that after the first time you executed it, the chances of further success became progressively lower as word got around. Miller was simply too stupid to realise this.
The thing is, his life was already in the gutter for him to have even tried this in the first place. Now that he has a 5-year prison stretch to deal with, the gutter is going to seem luxurious compared to where he is likely to end up.
I just saw an advert for Colgate Max White toothpaste. It was filled with catwalk models with teeth so white you needed sunglasses.
The fun part – if you don’t include how it was shot in pseudo-black & white to emphasise the whiteness – was in the small print at the end which says it contains 0.1% hydrogen peroxide. This is the maximum amount allowed in consumer products in the UK (well, the EU).
When a dentist uses it, he may use up to 35% concentration. So Colgate’s toothpaste is 350 times weaker than the stuff a dentist would use. And that’s before you take into account hydrogen peroxide’s instability, which means it will be weaker than ever by the time it gets anywhere near your teeth.
There is absolutely no way – no way whatsoever – that the models’ teeth became that white simply by brushing with Colgate. However, being models, there is close to a 100% probability that at some point they have paid around £1,000 or more to have their teeth whitened professionally – either by bleaching, or by the application of some sort of coating (veneer) which hides the stains. We’re talking military-grade orthodontics, here. Judging by how goofy they always seem to look, my money is on the veneer option – where a thin porcelain shield is glued on to the tooth to hide what’s behind it (often needing some tooth grinding so the goofiness isn’t too apparent).
This gave me a chuckle when I saw it today in The Sun. Yes, yes. I know. But we’d run out of Andrex.