I was out with a pupil this morning. She’s taken her test before - she’s one of my failees (I made that word up) this year.
When she’s driving, the best way I can describe her mind is by thinking of something which is completely random and all over the place – and then imagining something 100 times worse than that.
She has this habit of jamming the brakes on then immediately releasing them (causing bounce back), no matter how much she’s slowed down for the hazard. Since I took her on, I’ve been trying to get her to use the bite more instead of just stopping (and she doesn’t always use the handbrake when she does), so today we were driving up a slope towards some traffic lights to turn right. She’s slowed right down and the lights are going to change any second. The split second before they change, on go the brakes – then she panics, takes her foot off the brake (no handbrake, of course), the car bounces backwards and we begin rolling back down the hill.
I duelled the car, made her put the handbrake on, and then move off properly. Fortunately there was no one behind us. I pulled her over and this is what passed (and bear in mind that we have a laugh so this isn’t the way it seems):
Me: What have we said about using the handbrake?
She: Make up your mind – one minute you’re telling me to use the gas and bite, and then you’re telling me to use the handbrake.
Me: Yes, but you have to use them properly and at the right times. There’s no point slamming on the brakes when you’re on a hill like the north face of the Eiger and expecting to be able to find the bite without it rolling back or stalling.
She: There was nobody behind, so what does it matter?
Although the banter was fun, it is frustrating when people come out with explanations like that.
Then, a little later, we were doing a turn in the road on an industrial estate. Now, she has this habit of talking as a defence for what might happen – it’s almost like if she says “I know I’ve f***ed this up”, then if she actually does it won’t matter as much because she already predicted it. I’ve mentioned it to her before.
So we’re on this industrial road and the longer we arse about doing a manoeuvre the more chance there is of something turning up – thus increasing the chances of screwing it up as panic sets in. She starts the procedure and immediately starts yacking about something…
Me: Shut up and concentrate.
[first stage completed perfectly. Slip it into reverse gear, look all around, see a car approaching from the right, chewing gum comes flying out of her mouth, she lunges for it as it sticks temporarily in her hair, then spins off on to the central console near the handbrake. We’re sitting in the middle of the road blocking it at this time]
She: [tries to find the chewing gum wherever it landed]
Me: LEAVE IT. GET A MOVE ON – WE’RE BLOCKING THE ROAD.
She: Where’s it gone? [starts looking again]
Me: GET ON WITH IT. WE’RE IN THE WAY [take handbrake off and start barking instructions to finish the manoeuvre. I get her to pull over and sit with my head in my hands]
She: Where did it go?
Me: It’s there. Throw it out the window. Why on earth did you do that while we were in the middle of the manoeuvre.
She: I can’t help it if my chewing gum comes out of my mouth.
Me: That’s not what I meant. We were blocking the road with a car waiting and you just sat there worrying about your chewing gum, which wouldn’t have come out if you’d keep your mouth shut when you’re doing things.
She: It’s not like we were on the A52 or anything.
I just gave up. And she wants to pass so she can drive her kids around!
Even worse, I was out with another pupil this afternoon. This one is going to be real hard work for more than one reason (she is strapped for cash, wants to pass as soon as possible, has a boyfriend from a country where bribery to get a licence is compulsory and who believes that everyone should pass after one lesson over here otherwise they’re being ripped off, and who - unfortunately – is absolutely not a natural driver). In fact, I’ve already suggested she might want to consider the automatic route because of her clutch control (or lack, thereof), but she wants a manual licence.
She only takes one hour lessons, and can only book up to a week in advance (which is difficult when my diary is almost full three weeks out at any time), but I have to be on my guard every second, because literally anything could happen at any time. Kerbs, other cars, pedestrians…
So, we stopped at a set of lights. She reaches into the door pocket and starts checking her mobile phone for texts! I told her to put it back and leave it alone. Then I pulled her over and the conversation went:
Me: What you just did is illegal. You can get points on your licence and a fine for doing that. Only yesterday someone was jailed for reading texts on a mobile, when they lost concentration and killed someone.
She: Yes I know. I was just checking my texts from work.
Me: I know you were checking texts – I just told you that. It doesn’t matter who they’re from it’s still illegal.
She: Yes, but I’m expecting a call from work and I was checking.
I still don’t think the message got through.
(Note to any ADI sitting there thinking “she’s not test ready” on that first pupil – you don’t know the full story, so don’t make up the parts in between. The pupil is quite capable of driving properly and passing the test, but she’s also quite capable of total stupidity. My job as an ADI is to deal with the driving part – not the stupidity part.)
It would appear that Santander is eager to join the bandwagon (and get some valuable publicity) by doing surveys – sorry, I mean “research” - and reporting the findings as earth-shattering epiphanies.
I wrote recently about the impending cessation of 
And quite rightly so.
The 
Well done to Stephen, who passed this morning with 6 driver faults.