I was doing the show me/tell me questions with a pupil last week just prior to her upcoming test. I was doing the under-the-bonnet ones, and the conversation went like this:

Me: Tell me how you would check the oil level in the car.

She: [points to the power steering fluid reservoir]

Me: No. That’s the power steering fluid. In your own car you’d need to check that regularly, but you don’t need to worry about it on your test. What are you looking for when you check your oil level?

She: The dipping… thingy.

Me: OK. The dipstick – so what looks like a dipstick inside there?

She: [eventually points to the dipstick]

Me: Good. So how would you check the oil level with it?

She: Make sure it is between the marks.

Me: Yes, but what would you do if you were really going to do it?

She: [points to a bit of tissue I keep pushed behind the battery, and which I got her to use to check the oil the first time we did the questions] I’d wipe it using that piece of tissue.

Me: OK. And what then?

She: Ummmm.

[At this point, I demonstrated again how to check the oil, then got her to say the whole thing in a coherent single sentence]

Me: Right. Now where would you check the engine coolant or radiator level?

She: [points to the power steering fluid reservoir]

Me: No, that’s the power steering fluid, remember. We don’t have to worry about that one so just forget about it. Whereabouts is the radiator? It takes air in from outside, remember.

She: [surprisingly, she points to the radiator]

Me: OK. Now look where the hoses go from the radiator. Where would you top it up?

She: There [points to the coolant reservoir]

[She quite happily explained about the MAX and MIN markers]

Me: Where would you top up your windscreen washer fluid?

She: [points to the power steering fluid reservoir]

Me: NO. That’s nothing to do with us. Remember it’s got a picture of a windscreen on it.

[She points to the reservoir and explains how to check it and fill it]

Me: Where would you check your brake fluid level… and if you mention the power steering fluid again you’re walking home.

It reminded me of Elizabeth a few years ago. She always had a set of brand new nails on, and she used to fall out with me whenever I got her to open the bonnet. On one occasion:

She: [haughtily] I don’t know why you’re making me do this. I’m never going to do it myself – I’m always going to get someone to do it for me.

Me: Just do as you’re told. You’ve got to know how to do it for your test, so get on with it.

Mind you, I was doing the show me/tell me questions with a male pupil a couple of months ago, and I was having to tease every single aspect of checking the oil level out of him. In the end, I said (and bear in mind he is a Chelsea supporter, and I’m Arsenal, and we have a good laugh together):

For $#%&’s sake, stop mumbling and give me an answer. The examiner expects you to tell him in one go and he isn’t going to play games with you. Just bloody well say it.

You read a lot of crap about how long it takes for CRB checks to come back, and how it’s all the fault of the DSA, or anyone else the complainant doesn’t like.

TMGCRB - CRB Check Site

I wrote recently about my own application for a CRB check in lieu of my impending green badge renewal this October. I sent off my documents, and two or three working days later they came back. Apparently, my birth certificate had somehow ceased to be evidence of my birth – which was odd, because I’m pretty sure it was the same one I used when I applied for my previous CRB check.

Anyway, I took my driving licence instead directly to the TMGCRB office in Ruddington. This, too, was returned two or three days later – fortunately, it hadn’t become unsuitable evidence as to my identity, and all was well.

I delivered my driving licence around midday on 13th July. This morning, I got my CRB check through all ready for my application for my green badge renewal in a few months time.

It took 17 days (if you include the day I took my licence in, and today).

Thinking about it, I reckon those stories you hear about it taking months and months have got a lot more to do with the applicant being a grape short of a full bunch than they are to do with TMGCRB taking too long.

Have you noticed how the bin men think they own the roads these days?

This morning, I saw one drive into the single lane formed by a set of temporary lights in Mapperley just before Somersby Road – the lights changed to red straight after and two or three cars had followed the bin men in. However, they were doing the standard bin men thing and stopping to reverse into a side road. Naturally, with cars coming in the other end it wasn’t a pretty sight.

Last week, I got stuck behind a bin lorry (reg. no. FN09 KVX ) which had decided that the best place to stop was immediately next to a pedestrian refuge – thus completely blocking the 40mph A60 in Bunny.

Bin Men Parking

He began to move off, and as I started to pass him he switched off his warning lights and began to accelerate (I think he thought I had a learner in the car). About 70 metres further on he stopped again – right on a junction – and turned his warning lights back on.

I’m certain they do this deliberately. Bus drivers are little better, but bin emptying day is a nightmare on narrow streets (even though the A60 is hardly narrow). The bin men make no effort to minimise hold ups – indeed, they seem to revel in it. They walk into the road, stand in the way… just about anything they can to say “hey, look at me”!

But as employees of Le Cirque du Nottingham County Council, you can’t really expect much else.

Before the schools finished for the year, I caught this on camera when I was on a lesson (19/07/2010). There’s some sort of private school just off Cranmer Street, and every day there are school buses parked right next to the chicane  on yellow lines (the chicane has “Give Way To Oncoming Vehicles” signs at both ends because it’s on a bend!)

This was the mummies and daddies at drop off time, early in the morning.

Mummies And Daddies At Play

On the left side, just on the bend and on yellow lines, mummy no.1 (reg. no. FD09 DYO ) was dropping off no.1 daughter without a care for anyone else trying to get through. In front of her, an Audi 4×4 (reg. no. DN59 YDG ) was doing similar. You’ll note how the Audi is effectively blocking the road completely on the left side.

Now look at mummy no.3 (reg. no. FD04 ZHA ) dropping off her little darling on the right hand side. She’s parked almost entirely on the pavement – causing a severe hazard to pedestrians (i.e. other peoples little darlings) – but sufficiently on the road, opposite the Audi, to cause a further narrowing.

This is outside a school, remember. Any normal person parking like that would have the book thrown at them if a mummy or daddy complained.

But the best part is the car behind mummy no.3. Mummy no.4’s Toyota ‘look-at-how-much-we-earn’ mobile (reg. no. L3 UOS ) is virtually parked inside the chicane area. I should also point out that the situation gets worse as more mummies and daddies turn up and find nowhere else illegal to park, so tail back further into the chicane.

During the day, the place is crawling with traffic wardens and police (there may be a private school nearby, but the surrounding area is pretty rough), and yet there’s not one to be seen when this happens each morning. Rather strange, isn’t it?

My evening pupil cancelled his lesson earlier today (stuck at work). Yesterday, another pupil had moved his evening lesson tomorrow into a cancellation slot I’d just acquired earlier in the day. So I sensed a free afternoon today when my two o’clock pupil jumped at the chance to move her lesson to 6pm tomorrow. I needed to go to the bank anyway.

I’d driven about a quarter of a mile when I heard a rumbling sound. It rapidly got louder – and I knew what it was. A puncture. This was at 2.05pm.

I’m in the AA, and there is no way I am getting my hands dirty and stripping my knuckles (as well as destroying my trousers and shirt) arseing about with that tiny socket wrench and scissor jack to get the wheel off. The guy on the phone said they’d have someone there before 3pm – well, that’s OK. I could still go to the bank then nip to Kwik Fit and get the tyre fixed.

I got an almost immediate text telling me the AA man was on his way. He arrived less than 10 minutes later – the wheel was replaced by 2.25pm. I nipped to the bank, then made off for Kwik Fit on Huntingdon Street.

I arrived at 3.05pm. It turned out that one of my other tyres was down to 3mm, so I ended up having to have two of them replaced. But Kwik Fit, too, gave good service, and it was all sorted by 3.50pm.

I wish all breakdowns went like this. No lost lessons, and fixed almost immediately.

Going to the Colwick MPTC today, I noticed another car clamped at the end of Private Road No. 5 (not a learner car).

The Test Centre managers are warning of the problem in their updated newsletter.