Assholes - Diary Of An ADI

Beeston Test Centre Relocation

09/08/2016

I mentioned back in June that Beeston Test Centre was moving away from the Beeston Business Park. Good riddance to the place, and that stupid cow in reception who made sure that DVSA and ADIs were made as unwelcome as possible. I’ll miss the couple who run the cafe and the friendly black cat in the security building (security staff were OK, too), but that’s all. Village Hotel in Chilwell

Tests are now being conducted out of The Village Hotel in Chilwell, and after less than a week there are already problems.

Referring to my earlier report, DVSA noted:

…access to ‘The Village Hotel Nottingham’ venue is only available to those candidates attending for test; you won’t be allowed to use this site for practice either during or outside of working hours (including weekends)

My comment in the same article was:

I can guarantee that there will be some arseholes who ignore that and try to practice bay park in there.

I have it on good authority that The Village is already unhappy due to the number of complaints from its patrons about driving school cars blocking the car parks at all hours of the day, and that there is a very real risk that DVSA will get kicked out before a permanent relocation can be secured.

Let’s make no mistake here. The Village has always been a snobbish place (trust me, I used to go in there as a guest not long after it was first built) and like most gyms and health clubs it attracts chavs (albeit ones with aspirations to being middle class) who would complain about anything. But just as The Village has its sizable clutch of Village Idiots ready to exaggerate matters, I think I have made it abundantly clear over the years that the driving instruction industry – I don’t think I’ll ever be able to bring myself to call it a “profession” – is literally bursting at the seams with people who are capable of providing more than enough inconvenience to the public for complaints to be raised. I saw several the last time I was at The Village, just driving around after all the tests had gone out, and the only reason they didn’t try bay parking there and then was that you can’t find more than two adjacent bays free at a time during the day, and no ADI I’ve ever seen parks next to anyone. Oh dear no.

DVSA itself is partly to blame for this. It began at Colwick a few years ago, when ADIs were turning up to practice bay parking while tests were starting and ending and getting in everybody’s way. Sometimes, there were more halfwits practising bay parking than there were candidates on test, and that is no exaggeration. It was getting beyond a joke, so the centre manager put signs up telling people to stay away – a futile gesture, since most ADIs can’t read anyway, and it had little effect. The last straw for me came when one of my pupils picked up a serious fault during the bay park exercise for being too close to a parked car, which just happened to be one of these dickheads. I made an official complaint that these people were demonstrably influencing some test scores, and it was taken seriously at test centre level.

It was referred higher within DVSA, and then the bombshell was dropped by the idiot of an area manageress, who decreed that she couldn’t stop people coming into the test centre car park since it was a public facility (or some such description). The test centre was ordered to remove the notices telling people to keep out, and ever since then these inadequate ADIs who cannot teach properly anywhere else have been allowed to come and go as they please.

So, DVSA created a problem in not setting boundaries for ADIs. The situation is analogous to keeping a cobra as a pet – no matter how long you have it, how much you feed it, it will still bite you if you try to get friendly with it. ADIs are DVSA’s own pet cobra – and DVSA still insists on trying to get chummy with it rather than treat as the dumb and dangerous animal it is. The upshot is that whatever DVSA says ADIs should or shouldn’t do, many of them will deliberately – with malice aforethought – do exactly the opposite. And DVSA is stupid enough to let them get away with it.

Anyone who has driven into The Village car park with a pupil who is not on test is an idiot who shouldn’t be allowed to remain on The Register. Their actions are a gnat’s whisker away from having tests anywhere near Beeston suspended until a permanent site is found.

Cameron’s Honours Row – an Aside

01/08/2016

DOAADI

Assholes, Funny, News

I’m not really interested in the row surrounding David Cameron’s resignation honours list (other than the oxymoron that seems to be contained in that three-word description). But it seems like a lot of people are.

I particularly like the comment from someone called “lorraine”. Here’s the full text, complete with spelling mistakes and missing grammar:

Of Course May wont interveine she is a conservative They rob the poor to feed the rich nothing will change The richest will still live of the backs of the poor May wants to stop slavery of course NOT she just wants to rename it something more fitting the description of used tortured raped beeten intimidated that is what most low paid workers are treated like Who intruduced this The Conservative.

Once more, I am left dumbfounded by the fact that people like “lorraine” are allowed to vote and have families without having to get special permission first. And don’t even get me started on the nine people who voted her comment up.

How to Bag a Bargain – Borderline Darwin Award Candidate

26/07/2016

DOAADI

Assholes

I love this story. Some bloke down in Luton found a cash & carry selling 20kg sacks of Basmati rice for £15.49. That’s a good price, so he bought 40 sacks. Trouble was, he was driving a normal car, and he somehow managed to cram all 40 sacks – totalling 800kg – into it.

Even if we assume that the average person weighs 100kg, that’s the equivalent of eight passengers plus the driver in the car.

He was spotted by police from the Bedfordshire, Cambridgeshire and Hertfordshire road policing unit and told to split the load because it was dangerous. However, he obviously knew better, and chose to ignore the advice. His luck ran out when he was stopped again, and this time he was taken to a weighbridge.

He was fined £300, which meant that each sack of rice had ended up costing him £22.99 – which is roughly the normal price. Of course, he now also has a police record. The article doesn’t mention points on his licence.

This story would have been MUCH better if he’d got a bigger fine.

Drone Hits BA Plane

18/04/2016

DOAADI

Assholes, Computers & Tech, News

I saw this story on the BBC website. Apparently, a BA Airbus A320 flying to London from Geneva collided with what was believed to be a drone as it was coming in to land.

Apparently, it is the first such collision, though there have been numerous close calls.

…pilots have also called for the DoT to fund tests into what would happen if a drone got sucked into an engine or crashed into a plane’s windscreen.

I’m not quite sure what they think this will prove. All I do know is that if I was on a plane, I would much rather it landed without incident instead of having one of these things get sucked into the turbines. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist – or an aviation expert – to realise that the risk of a catastrophic incident goes up, not down, if something gets pulled into an engine, and quite frankly I wouldn’t give a damn about the results of such tests.

One thing that is clear is that people who operate drones are predominately twats. It’s already illegal to fly them near airports, with up to five years in jail being up for grabs, and yet between September and November 2015 there were six reported near misses in the UK near London airports alone. Leeds and Bradford airports have also had near misses, though this is less of a surprise when you consider the general mentality of people who live near those. There were another six incidents recorded in the 12 months up to July 2015. It’s anyone’s guess how many go unreported.

Drones have the potential to be great fun to play with – I have been tempted to get one myself – but the rules surrounding them are understandably restrictive. Apart from what they could do to a jet engine, there are also the documented effects of what they do to people if they hit them. Consequently, if your desire for fun knows no bounds then you have to break the Law. And that’s when you start to understand why Leeds, Bradford, and London have such a problem.

It’s ironic that for something which hasn’t yet been banned, you can’t fly them far away from you (where they might hit planes), you can’t fly them near large groups of people (where they might injure them), and obviously flying them close to you puts you and anyone near you in danger. So, pretty much anywhere – which significantly detracts from their “fun” value.

Drones are not toys. Unfortunately, apart from professional operators, the people who use them use them EXACTLY as toys. It’s what I’d do if I had one – I have no actual need for one – which is the precise reason why I haven’t bothered to get one.

Your Starter for Ten

19/11/2015

DOAADI

ADI, Assholes, Bad Drivers

Here’s a conundrum for you. Take a look at this Shell garage, which is situated on the A606 at Tollerton. Firstly, the aerial view.

You will notice that it has an entrance off the A606, and an exit round the back on to Tollerton Lane. Depending on which pump you’ve used, or where other people have laughingly done something they call “parking”, you drive through narrow gaps either side of the main building to reach the exit.

The A606 is a busy road, and especially so during rush hour, and that’s why there’s a dedicated entrance and exit. Anyone trying to turn out of the entrance either has to hope that three lanes (two southbound and one northbound) are clear, or that these lanes will stop and let them out. For people who are too stupid to realise that this isn’t likely to happen, and who would almost certainly try it if they could (sometimes, they still do), Shell has helpfully placed No Entry signs on the garage side of the entrance, like this:

And on the road side of the exit, like this:

Getting back on to the A606 is actually very simple. All you do is turn right at the exit, wait at the traffic lights at the junction, and that’s it. The obvious drawback (if you are a prat) is that you may have to add up to 60 seconds to your journey.

The garage forecourt is compact, so even driving in normally and finding a pump is something you have to do carefully. Pissing about trying to get your fuel flap pump-side if there is no convenient pump available is a no-no. Driving off from the pumps to the exit is also something requiring care, because if the car park area at the back is full (it only holds about four cars), people start to park wherever the hell they want – and if that means blocking one of the passages either side of the main building, then that’s precisely what they’ll do.

So here’s your starter question for ten: what do you do if you’re an Audi driver who has turned into Tollerton Lane, and who has then decided that he wants to go into the garage?

Correct. You drive in via the exit.

And here are your bonus questions:

Once you’re in, where do you go next? That’s right: you drive briskly the wrong way past the buildings to get to the forecourt without any consideration for those driving the correct way to leave the garage.
When you get there, do you park next to a pump facing the opposite way to everyone else, or do you block those trying to get in as you engage in what bears a passing resemblance to a turn in the road so that you can get your fuel flap pump-side? A bit of a trick question, as both answers are acceptable. Most Audi drivers aren’t aware that the fuel line is on a reel, and will reach across to the other side, and of the very few who are aware, they don’t want to risk the hose touching their paintwork.
If you’re facing the wrong way once you’ve filled up, do you now attempt to turn around or do you use the entrance as an exit? Yes, another trick question, with both answers being correct. The typical Audi driver has the social conscience of a dog on a croquet lawn and attempting to turn right across three lanes of busy traffic using a forbidden exit is just as viable as blocking everyone while he turns his oversized pratmobile in a confined space.

I saw this happen last week, when a white Audi A8 caused my pupil to have to brake sharply as we turned into Tollerton Lane as he pondered his next move when confronted with the No Entry sign on Tollerton Lane.

Darwin Awards 2015: Asda Parking

08/11/2015

DOAADI

Assholes, Bad Drivers

Please note that all my “Darwin Awards” posts are my own take on situations and have no connection with any real award. I just like the term, as it describes people who are idiots very appropriately.

I went into Asda on Saturday at around 6pm, and as I was about to reverse into what I thought was an empty bay, I discovered this example of superb parking.

A silver Vauxhall Astra, reg. no. KT03 DJJ, had been parked so that it was effectively occupying FOUR bays.

As I say, this was at around 6pm on the nearest Saturday to Bonfire Night, so the car park was very busy. Clearly, the driver – apart from being a few olives short of a pizza – is one of those people who has just about as much social conscience as a dog on a croquet lawn.

If any newspapers want the original, full-size image, here it is.

Shaun Davis: Darwin Awards (2015) Nominee

07/11/2015

DOAADI

ADI, Assholes, Bad Drivers, Transport

Please note that all my “Darwin Awards” posts are my own take on situations and have no connection with any real award. I just like the term, as it describes people who are idiots very appropriately.

Sometimes, your faith in British justice gets a shot in the arm. This story is a good example of just such a shot.

It helps if you understand just how fast 192mph really is, because then you start to realise just what sort of value Shaun Davis (and his 23-year old daughter, Jordan) put on anyone’s lives except their own.

At such a speed, Davis would have been travelling more than 3 miles every minute. To put that into figures that the average reader might comprehend, he would be travelling more than 85 metres every second – or about 20 car lengths. If he’d have had to stop, even under ideal conditions it would have taken him about 620 metres (around 140 car lengths).

If you’re still not clear on what this means, 620 metres is more than the length of five football pitches.

However, the distances involved are academic, since initiating an emergency stop at that speed would most likely have resulted in a catastrophic accident. It is simply too far outside the range of human reaction times, and the capabilities of vehicle parts (i.e. tyres on roads). Recording it on a handheld device would make it a hundred times worse.

Shaun Davis appears to be one of those people you’d have reservations about if he moved in next door. It appears that every inch of his body below the neck line is tattooed, and he has a penchant for fast cars. It was that penchant for speed that proved his undoing. You see, Davis – who was the kind of person to get arrested on an unrelated matter – had videoed himself driving at very high speed in several fast cars using his smartphone. Whatever the other reason was for his arrest, it was deemed serious enough for police to examine his phone, and it was then that the videos came to light.

In the video footage, Jordan Davis (his daughter) can be heard egging him on, and for that she earns herself a nomination for the Chav Category of the 2015 Darwin Awards.

Davis, who apparently showed no remorse and who denied all charges, was jailed for 28 months, banned from driving for 10 years, and ordered to take an extended re-test. His daughter, who he had obviously brought up to be just as soulless, and for whom the fact that she was even accused of anything let alone found guilty must have come as a major surprise, was banned for 2 years and given an 18-month conditional discharge.

I’m sure that the Davises will find this assessment harsh, because it’s a sad indictment on our society that a great many people who break Laws often aren’t even aware that those Laws exist. Even more worrying, though, is that they often don’t care. So we can only hope that this is seen as a wake-up call and not something to be proud of.

What is a Euphemism for “Stupid”?

21/10/2015

DOAADI

Assholes, Bad Drivers, News, Roadworks, Transport

To add to the gridlock caused by road works – arranged by Nottingham’s incompetent council – an incompetent motorist decided to increase congestion today by “[becoming] wedged on the [tram] tracks” on Lenton Lane. You can’t beat a good euphemism.

I have yet to find a version of the story which makes it clear that the retard who was driving had entered a tram-only area and had actually fallen into the track cut out. The phrase “became wedged” doesn’t tell the half of it.

Whoever it was should be banned for life. If you’re stupid enough to do something like this, God only knows what else you’d be capable of if you were allowed to carry on driving.

Sexist Litter Campaign

05/10/2015

DOAADI

Assholes, News

I’m a couple of months behind on this one, but various councils in Essex have embraced a litter campaign which features these two posters.

The feminists have gone ballistic over it. I became aware of it when I updated that Ched Evans story and had a look at the Jean Hatchet blog to see if she’d wet herself over the news yet, and discovered she was wetting herself over this instead.

Apparently – and you need the frontal lobotomy that goes along with feminism get even close to seeing any wrong in it – the posters imply that men are “smart” and women are “pretty”. And as we know, that proves all men are swine to the average feminist.

Actually, if you aren’t unfortunate enough to be afflicted by the mental gymnastics required to be a feminist, what the posters actually say is that the bloke on the left is “smart” in the sartorial sense (which he is), and the woman on the right is “pretty” (which she is). The ads then play on these two words to get the anti-littering campaign across.

The people kicking up a stink only seem interested in these two posters, but there are others in the campaign, and one is shown below.

I think the one on the right is just a prototype, and it appears unfinished. However, when you look at this collection it’s not quite so easy to winkle out a sexist agenda from it. It seems that you have to be able to convince yourself that it is being suggested men are mentally smart compared with women. The use of the word “pretty” can only realistically stand any chance of getting you your 15 minutes of fame if a man says or implies it, and puts it in writing. These posters don’t really do that.

Mind you, the first two don’t, either. I guess that’s why the story is confined to a local rag and not the international media agencies.

I’m surprised this ad campaign from Suffolk didn’t attract the looney feminists.

After all, that person in the ad is a female, and that automatically means that every aspect of it must therefore be sexist. I mean, if you have the required short circuits in your brain, the ad clearly implies that women are ”tossers” (a gender-reversal in the usual meaning of that colloquial term), and that most litterers are women. The woman is also wearing nail varnish, and everyone know that this is just pandering to bestial male traits.

Darwin Awards 2015 – Zack Davies

28/09/2015

DOAADI

Assholes, News

There is no doubt about it, Zack Davies is a retard. He was jailed for life a few weeks ago for the attempted murder of Dr Sarandev Bhambra. It was a “revenge attack” for Lee Rigby.

Now, you may recall that Lee Rigby’s murderers – Michael Adebolajo and Michael Adebowale – were Muslim converts. They requested to be named as Mujaahid Abu Hamza and Ismail Ibn Abdullah at their trial. One of them at least had links to radical Muslim groups, and they cited the killing of Muslims by British Armed Forces as the reason for their attack on Rigby.

The thing is, as soon as I saw the name “Sarandev Bhambra” in this current incident, I thought: but that’s not a Muslim name. Then I saw a photo of Dr Bhambra outside the court, with a Sikh guy behind him. From what I can work out, that chap was his brother – Dr Tarlochan Singh Bhambra. Clearly, Zack Davies was so retarded that he couldn’t tell the difference between a Muslim and a Sikh, and was prepared to use skin colour as his guiding light.

Although I’ve included a photo of Davies, I think it’s fair to say that he’s never going to see the light of day again. And assuming he hasn’t already bred, there is also no chance whatsoever of him now doing so. And that is a great victory for mankind, even if it nearly cost Dr Bhambra his life.

Category - Assholes