Category - Movies & TV

Fake Britain: Franchises – An Update

I saw something on a forum on this subject, which I mentioned a few days ago. It was written by Louise Kirkpatrick, of Clearway Driver Training. She has kindly given me permission to reproduce it here, in full:

It’s horses for courses [smiley]

I really don’t know why the same people over and over again on forum after forum keep on getting out the “Driving School Franchises Are Evil” drum and start banging it.

We get the point – you don’t like the driving school franchise model. However, whether you like it or not, it IS a franchise no matter how you choose to twist the definition to fuel your personal bitterness. In it’s simplest definition, a franchise is the right to trade exclusively or non exclusively in an area using a “brand” owned by someone other than yourself with various rights, entitlements and exclusions via an individual agreement between the franchisee and the franchisor. There is nothing sinister about that concept at all.

We know you’d love it if someone waved a magic wand and suddenly ADIs were employees with contracts of employment and employee rights and all that stuff, but that’s not going to happen for numerous reasons. I think I read ages ago that commercial organisations (I think Tesco and Stelios the EasyJet bloke were two of them) had investigated whether running BIG driving schools on a profit making commercial basis was viable. The answer was obviously “no”.

So here in Realityville where the rest of us dwell, the driver training industry looks set to carry on as it has done with a mixture of:

* independent ADIs
* co-operative groups of independent ADIs
* national or semi-national franchises
* locally based franchises

As for the ridiculous, finger pointing and assumption making “many have gone to the wall” comment, here’s a few points that should be bourne in mind:

1) I doubt whether any franchisor has ever MADE an ADI sign a franchise agreement.
2) I doubt any franchisor has abducted any ADI off the street and held them prisoner until they agreed to join their franchise.
3) On that basis, we must assume that any ADI who joins a franchise does so of their own free will and if they have any sense, they will have done some research about the franchise, read any agreement thoroughly and considered it’s implications before they put pen to paper.
4) A franchise agreement is NOT a guaranteed passport to success or riches beyond the wildest dreams of Joe Bloggs ADI. If good old Joe hasn’t got what it takes to make a go of his business because he’s a grumpy sod, or he turns up late for lessons or any of the million and one things that might make Joe’s pupils find another ADI instead of Joe, then that’s not the fault of Joe’s franchisor.

Stop making ADIs out to be helpless fluffy little lambs being conveyed to the slaughterhouse of The Evil Franchisors who sit around doing zilch apart from counting franchise fee payments whilst cackling manically with glee and opening jars of mint sauce.

Let me tell you a little personal story…as readers may know, my husband (who is an ADI) and myself (not an ADI) run a driving school. We’ve done this since 2004. Business went well, so in 2006 we took on another ADI as a franchisee and we kept on doing this when we had more work than we could handle if we felt that we could sustain that level. We only have four franchisees and while we could take on more, we choose carefully and we only take on more franchisees if we feel we can generate sufficient work for them, or if they offer something “unique” i.e. services or skills for a different demographic that will not dilute the work available for existing franchisees. All bar one of the franchisees we have taken on since 2006 are still with us.

The person who started this thread and his comrade in arms have sneered at me more than once for referring to them as “our franchisees”, entirely missing the point that in every sense that matters they are “ours” and we are “theirs”. We are inter-dependant, each side fulfilling a need, in their case a consistent and reliable supply of work and ours for income…but there’s more to it than that. Over the years they have become not “just” franchisees or even colleagues, but friends.

A terrible thing happened 10 weeks ago. My husband and I were on holiday driving around Europe. We were in Livigno, a very beautiful, but isolated ski resort high up in the Italian Alps when, one morning, totally out of the blue, my husband at the age of 39 had 3 strokes in quick succession. He was admitted to hospital 70km away, leaving me terrified and alone. Without me asking, two of “our franchisees” put their affairs in order, got on a plane and then drove 5 hours from Zurich airport to Livigno to help us. My husband remained in hospital in Italy for over a week before flying back to the UK with an accompanying doctor, so “our franchisees” drove our car all the way across Europe and back home as our insurance company turned out to be scum.

What’s the moral of this story and why am I telling it to you? Simply that you get out of people and life in general what you put in…and the same goes for being an ADI. Indie is right for some, a franchise is right for others…and for a few, neither is right as quite simply, they’re in the wrong job and no amount of “blaming” someone else for something YOU have control over makes that fact any different.

I don’t think I need to add anything. This says it all.

Annoying Adverts 2012: II

Jarring NoteBack in May I mentioned a few annoying adverts I’d seen.

The Weight Watchers one faded very quickly, thank God. Ads with idiotic whistling are still high on the list of “original” ideas for most ad companies, especially for radio versions (Tesco’s whistled signature tune grates against my skull like fingernails on a blackboard).

But the Secret Escapes adverts is still going strong. The reason I mention it now is that looking through my stats I have hundreds of hits on the same/similar search term. Two today on “secret escapes advert annoying”. I STILL rush to mute it whenever it comes on.

EDIT: As of late 2014/early 2015 Secret Escapes has embarked on a new advertising drive. I must say that the woman is beginning to look a bit past it now.

The company in question appears to be one of those you’d see being laughed out of the Dragon’s Den. Who in their right mind would want to use their service is anyone’s guess, so how long they can stay in business has to be in question. I’m guessing the current overkill level of airtime is a last-ditch attempt at survival.

Strongbow still has the monopoly on effeminate men pretending to be all butch and giving a gutsy “ahhhhhhh!” after sipping less than a teaspoon of their drink after carrying a box up some stairs.

Doggie Dentures still cracks me up every time I see it. And so do the meerkat adverts (especially when you watch what’s going on in the background). Even the radio versions are funny:

Aleksandr: Janet from Northern Ireland writes “Dear Aleksandr, thank you for wonderful Sergei toy after I buy car insurance from “Compare The Market”. My dog has taken liking to him. I even find him trying to…” Ooooh. Too much information.

However, Direct Line’s TV ads are incredibly annoying and unfunny. They’re the ones with Z-list comedians showing exactly why they’re  Zed! Direct Line refers to their ads as “hilarious” on its own website.

Honestly, Direct Line. They’re not.

Babies At Work

A rant! I missed this last week, which is good – because I would probably have blown a fuse if I’d have seen it. I’ll have to make sure I miss the second episode as well.

Breakfast TV was rattling on about it today, and it concerns an American idea involving parents taking their babies into work. The very idea has me frothing at the mouth even now! It’s absolutely stupid, and could really only come from America.

The story seems to have started over a year ago. In America they have a very confusing situation. On the one hand, most states do not offer paid maternity leave, and for that they are to be applauded and congratulated. But it seems that some American companies consequently allow employees to take their sprogs into work so as to avoid child-minding costs. Which is nuts.

But now, some complete jackass over here has latched on to it.

Let’s just get a few things straight about babies:

  • they shit
  • they puke
  • they get sick
  • they scream and cry
  • they misbehave

Absolutely NOTHING about babies is conducive to improved work efficiency. When you add to this the fact that the average female’s brain shrinks to a quarter of its original size and her IQ falls by at least 50 points the instant she gets pregnant, and stays that way permanently, taking babies into the office is just a different way of wasting money. Wasting MORE money, in fact, because we still have those idiotic maternity leave arrangements in place. Oh, and don’t forget that we now have paternity arrangements, too.

When I was in the rat race people used to calculate how much they could make from maternity leave. There was never a chance of them not taking all of it – they’d take it as far as they could, which shows just how they felt about their jobs. Then when they returned, they’d only be part-time, and this would last for the next 16 years as they skipped off early or came in late due to school open days, school concerts, parent/teacher evenings, board of governors’ meetings, school holidays, and anything else they could concoct. Their jobs – and the customers they dealt with – were secondary to them at all times.

There is absolutely no way even those not directly affected by mummyhood can work normally if they’re forced to endure these idiots’ babies in the office or workplace. And no company can run at maximum efficiency if it has to accommodate any form or maternity or paternity issue.

If I phone up someone and end up on a call centre switchboard, absolutely the last thing I want to hear when I’m trying to sort out why that cheque for £7,000 hasn’t been credited yet, or why my direct debit was returned when funds were available, or why I’ve received a letter telling me I haven’t paid a bill when I have, is someone’s brat screaming in the background. At the very least, I will know that the person I am talking to doesn’t give a shit about my problem because her attention is on her sprog!

When I worked on a call centre myself (when I was training to be an instructor), customers who phoned us came from all walks of life. The worst ones were that class of “unfit parent” who – for some unfathomable reason – will happily phone a support line which will require some detailed technical exchanges, but allow their kids to run riot in the background. I can’t hear what they’re saying, and they aren’t listening to what I’m saying. It’s as simple as that.

I can also remember occasions when – after giving birth – the “proud mother” would bring her child into the office to show it to everyone. I can recall at least two occasions when I had to explain to important American clients that that’s why they could hear screaming babies in the background! I’m pretty sure they didn’t automatically assume that their £50,000 projects would be better quality as a result.

Maternity (and paternity) leave are a major contributing factor to poor country-wide business performance during this time of recession. They’re an absolute waste of money. But it is the ethic behind them which is the real killer, and letting people take kids to work is just making it worse.

Annoying Adverts 2012

Someone found the blog on that search term. Well, I’ve already written about the Weight Watchers ad from around Christmas, but there are definitely some others that make me turn off the sound or switch channels.

Jarring Notes and MusicI detest whispering and whistling, and people humming or singing repetitively (especially when they can’t sing or don’t know the words or the whole song).

There’s one ad at the moment – actually, it’s been around for some months – where there is this woman going into hotels, spas, and things, and she whispers at the camera for the whole time. It drives me crazy and I mute or change channels the second it comes on. I can’t remember what it’s advertising (I don’t think I ever waited to find out – that’s how good the advertising agencies are), but I’ll edit this when I do.

EDIT: It’s for Secret Escapes. God, it’s annoying. And the blog is getting a lot of hits now I’ve mentioned the name – Secret Escapes is doing itself no favours here. All the hits are based on “annoying woman whispering” or variations on that theme!

EDIT: As of late 2014/early 2015 Secret Escapes has embarked on a new advertising drive. I must say that the woman is beginning to look a bit past it now.

Whistling seems to be the current favourite advertising ploy used by the agencies – Volkswagen had one on the radio recently that was played incessantly, and involved some tuneless idiot whistling a Beach Boys song. Fortunately, it was cut down dramatically for its short-lived TV run (although now they’ve got one with humming in it).

I’ll keep my eye out for others to keep this thread going (it seems to be quite popular, because anything that annoys me seems to annoy others judging from the hits I get).

EDIT: There’s an update to this topic here.

Rush On Sky Arts HD

Snakes & Arrows - RushI was watching a show about rock music on Sky Arts HD last night, and saw that on Monday at 10pm they’re showing Rush in Rotterdam – part of the Snakes & Arrows tour.

You know, I’ve seen Rush in the mainstream media more times the last 12 months than I have done over the last 40 years together. At this rate, tickets on the next tour – whenever it is – will be hard to get!

The article has some online video previews.

Update: Just watching it tonight brings back some great memories. Hard to believe it was way back in 2007.

I also note that the imminent release of Clockwork Angels will be accompanied by “a full North American Tour”. I have to be honest and admit that I couldn’t see them coming back so soon after last year’s Time Machine Tour, but disappointing nonetheless. I may have to start counting the pennies to see if I can justify an American trip.

Edit: Note that Rush feature in episode 11 of Metal Evolution – and this is on again on Sky Arts 1 on Monday, 15 September 2014.

Top Gear Faking. Again.

ScammerTop Gear – the BBC programme about cars, hosted by chimpanzees, and avidly watched by pond life (my opinion, of course) – has had its fair share of rows about whether some of its stunts are real or not.

The latest one comes after the producers admitted that they set up a traffic jam and used driving instructors posing as learners.

The instructors pretended to be practising reverse parking in close proximity to each other, while James May was held up in his Ferrari California Spider (worth £5.6m).

Personally, I don’t really care if Top Gear fakes its stuff or not. Real or pretend, it conveys the wrong image to people of limited intelligence in the first place.

But I’m surprised – well, not that surprised – at driving instructors prepared to push the image of learners being a nuisance in order to appear on the show. I guess that we shouldn’t forget that there are plenty of driving instructors out there whose only interest in life is cars, and the announcement of a new series of Top Gear is enough to cause them to wet themselves.

Appearing on it would be like having sex for them (albeit, without any other organic  life form being involved). I wonder if they got paid?

Masterchef

Bit of advice to the BBC for the next series of Masterchef… stop trying to create a bloody romantic drama out of it!

We can do without the stupid tinkly music and fade-outs of people who get booted off. Just get rid of them – don’t take ten minutes over it.

And stop recruiting people who cry when they lose, and cry when they win! Especially blokes.

It’s about food. Stick to that.

Hands-only CPR

I expect you’ve seen that advert with Vinnie Jones, advertising “hands-only CPR” for the British Heart Foundation. It’s quite amusing. HeartBut the thing that caught my attention is that – yet again – first aid procedures are being changed.

This used to happen regularly when I was in the rat race, and I’m convinced it was a ploy to make sure that anyone who’d received first aid training (at significant expense) would have to do it again for his or her skills to remain valid in a legal sense.

Any large company with first aid staff who don’t have up-to-date training may well as just burn all their money and shut up shop right now. And by “up-to-date”, that means “the latest fads”.

The “compression-only” variant appears to be of American origin, where (according to Wikipedia):

It is recommended as the method of choice for the untrained rescuer or those who are not proficient as it is easier to perform and instructions are easier to give over the phone.

Obviously, you need some scientific backing for such dumbing down, so it adds:

In adults with out-of-hospital cardiac arrest, compression-only CPR by the lay public has a higher success rate than standard CPR.

My first thought would be “why”. But, it does appear to be quite specific. But then it adds more:

The exceptions are cases of drownings, drug overdose, and arrest in children. Children who receive compression only CPR have the same outcomes as those who received no CPR. The method of delivering chest compressions remains the same, as does the rate (at least 100 per minute). It is hoped that the use of compression only delivery will increase the chances of the lay public delivering CPR. As per the American Heart Association, the beat of the Bee Gees’ song Stayin’ Alive provides an ideal amount of beats-per-minute to use for hands-only CPR. For those with non cardiac arrest and people less than 20 years of age standard CPR is superior to compression only CPR.

That last sentence interests me. Those “under 20” appear to be “children” as far as this account is concerned. The UK is simplifying the whole affair by advising “hands-only” for everyone!

And we have to face facts, here. The fact that traditional CPR frequently involves mouth-to-mouth resuscitation (where the lips of one stranger have to meet those of another) definitely has something to do with this. If nothing else, people resuscitating when the casualty is actually already breathing may have a part to play – not to mention the simple physical contact involved.

It looks like the evidence (clearly based on statistics) that “hands-only” CPR is better is a lot more confused than they’d have you believe. In the meantime, company execs in the UK will need to start shovelling money into wheelbarrows to take round to the local First Aid Training groups. Again.

Most Annoying Advert of 2012: Weight Watchers

This an very old article.

I think we might have the annual winner here. It’s only 1 January 2012, and already there is an advert that has to rate as the most annoying in the universe – and that’s likely to be against some pretty stiff competition.

Weight Loss Programme CartoonI’d read about it a couple of weeks ago, but didn’t give it much thought at the time. However, having just been snared by an ad break on ITV 4, they ran the damned thing.

The frequency and duration of ad breaks has been ramped up recently, and let me assure you that at over three minutes, this one is bloody long.

It’s by Weight Watchers. I didn’t realise I’d been snagged until my brain started asking “hey, what’s that annoying crap you’re listening to?” At that point I turned around and started to watch it to find out what it was. And I watched. And I watched. Then I wondered if I’d flipped channels by mistake. Then I watched some more, considered ripping the TV off the wall, then watched still more. It wasn’t until right at the end that I found out what  was going on and remembered reading about it.

It’s a straight rip-off of Jessie J in style (it’s being released as a song), except that it’s even more crap!

Fortunately – and I hope I’m right, after re-reading the Daily Mail article – they’re only playing it once, and that’s between 6.30pm and 7pm today. So I’ve already had my dose, in much the same way that I had a cold for a few days over Christmas.

However, in the next ad break there was another Weight Watchers one with interviews and behind-the-scenes shots, and that bloody song playing in the background.  So it’s more like a lingering disease than a cold.

EDIT: You can watch it here (thankfully, now a dead link).

Keyboard Cat’s Wonderful Pistachios

I saw this on the TV just now. Some things just make you laugh – and this worked on me!

Keyboard Cat isn’t original, but it’s still funny. Somehow, these bizarre mash-up advertising ideas work. Mind you, I wish pistachios really did come apart that easily. If I’ve been on the pistachios, my thumbnail feels like it’s going to drop off for a week afterwards!